Monday, December 19, 2011

Fleas On My Dog ....

I won't rehash for you my disdain for this time of year.  It's rather obvious how I feel about it, and how I've (as long as I can remember) felt about it.

Trying to fake cheer, and teach a 4 yr old that it's not about what is or isn't under the tree, or magically delivered by a Fat Man in a Red Suit, that it's about love, and spending it with those you love (and trying to "miniature down" the story of Jesus - and the like - to a 4yr olds understanding {particularly when that four year old appears smarter than you at most times}) .. is no easy feat in and of itself - but especially when you're not sure what it's about any more either.    So, instead of rehashing all of that nonsense (though it appears as if I just gave that abridged version more attention than I feel it deserves) ... allow me to replay for you, some of my favorite "Holiday Moments"

My daughter, the little savant, has taken control of any and all radios in the immediate vicinity - and they must all play Christmas Music -- AT ALL TIMES .. while she's awake and aware that is. ;)     The radio in the truck (the van died .. the day before Thanksgiving, leaving me, stranded on the side of Route 125, in the Rain - alone - with a broken cell phone ... another story, for another day)  has a crappy radio system in it.  The speakers are not that old nor expensive, but I'm guessing were never installed quite properly (sorry hubz) and thus, they are blown already ... is tuned into and stuck on 94.9 WHOM .. who plays Christmas Music - 24 hours a day, from November First Through December 26th ... Awesome for me.

Emily's favorite song (of the moment) is "Jingle Bell Rock" . which she "insists on singing alone" even though she only knows six lyrics.   Her second favorite - is "Feliz Navidad"  ... now, last year, when my little Elfkin sang this song it sounded .. not quite right .. instead of "Feliz Navidad" it came across as "Fleas on My Dog" .. which of course, brought me an incredible of amusement - then - and even now, when I remind her of her musical blunders of years past .. at first, she'd giggle, and say something like "Silly Emi!!"  now it's .. "ECK MOM!!  It's Feleeeez NaviDAH!"  with a head tilt and roll of her gorgeous blue eyes, fitting of a 14 year old.

When reading that sentence from Emily - think this scene in Harry Potter & The Sorcerers Stone:
Ron: Wingardium Leviosar!
Hermione:  Stop, stop, stop!  You're going to take someone's eye out.  Besides, you're saying it wrong.  It's LeviOsa, not LeviosAR!
In Emily's 4 1/2 years of existence, people in costume have given her issue.   Santa, the Easter Bunny, Chuck E. Cheese .. etc there was one Santa she was okay with - last year, and the year before, and that was it - the Wal-Greens Santa - a young kid, who hardly spoke -- he was her favorite.   Until we met the Santa at DeMeritt Hill Farm in Lee, NH, and even then - she was ... iffy.   She'd talk to him, from behind my legs, and take a photo, with Mike and I, while one of us were holding her.   This year, she stood with him.   This year, she practically dragged me down the "hallway" at the local Mall, to see Santa before his "hours were up" (the hours he's there end at 8pm Until Christmas Eve) .. the excitement bursting through her like candy from a pinata.   She opted to stand with him, instead of sitting on his lap, understandable, and sooo freakin' cute.   She introduced herself, shook his hand, and proceeded to tell him about her "Elf" Elizabeth.   Without explaining who she was, she said "I know, I'm being good, I promise - Elizabeth is watching" ... no hesitation, no confusion the reply she received - astounded her.  "Ah, yes, Elizabeth - your elf,  I know her well - we have discussed you every night since she arrived at your house.  you're doing much better!!"

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This year, we also received a letter from Santa (We visited Santa's Village in Jefferson NH earlier this summer and it's a service they offer) ... which mentioned her favorite ride of the day, a few things she asked for and her bestie, Mallory.  AND A Personal Video from the Portable North Pole in an email directly from Santa to Emily (I'll have to upload the pictures of her face when she saw it.   She was ... beyond excited)  

The only thing missing - besides a Drama Free Holiday - is snow.   Emily has been begging to make a snowman, to throw snowballs at daddy, go sledding, play outside until her nose and cheeks hurt, and come in to hot chocolate and fresh baked cookies ... Except.  Mother Nature, is apparently angry that we purchased a Boat, and not some snowmobiles ... she'll survive.

Saturday Morning --- it started to flurry ... This was Her Response:
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It didn't amount to anything, and the day warmed up .. but .. she was dancing and jumping as if it were the Blizzard of '78.

Oh to have that Magic Feeling for this time of year Again 

Friday, December 16, 2011

Looking back .. a reflection

(This was written in September)

It was absolutely gorgeous outside Saturday.  Yet, there I sat.  Tears streaming down my chubby cheeks, looking back.

You see, I was watching a movie, that I haven't seen in ages - and looking back, now I remember why.  Why I haven't watched this movie.  Why I haven't subjected myself to this ... torture.   Don't mistake what I'm saying. It's a good movie.  It has a great message (as all good movies do)

If you're my age, or .. older .. you remember this movie, and when it came out.  You remember watching it - for the first time, and you remember the feelings you had.  You don't even have to truly look back, you can just remember.

As the mom of a 4 yr old, maybe it's just the mom reaction.  Maybe it's a human reaction.  Maybe I'm just over emotional and dense - either way - I was a wreck.  Imagining myself in place of a character, imagining Emily in place of another.  Torture.  102 minutes of Torture.  (plus commercial breaks of course)

I am talking about the movie "My Girl" - which if you haven't ever seen this movie, might I suggest you take a moment, or 102 of them, and check it out.  It's a good movie, it really is.  I just seem to have an unnatural (or completely natural) response to it as of late.

I am currently on the path to me, whatever the hell that means.  On this path, I have expected to encounter bumps, roadblocks (or pathblocks as the case may be) . twists, turns, and any other path-slowing words you may think of.   To think this journey would be an easy one, is a joke to say the least.  I'm aware of the difficulties facing me.  I am aware of the pain I'll inevitably go through.  I have to be aware.  Otherwise, what is the point?  I'll admit to being caught by surprise a time or two - but for the most part, I'm doing well on this journey of mine.  Not there yet, but well on my way.  As a matter of fact, I started kick boxing again last week - I cannot tell you how much I've looked forward to that day .. How Much I Enjoyed Every Single Pang, Tweak, Twinge, Every Feeling of Accomplishment I Had Last Week.

I plan to go - every week, as I had been before .. and so long as injury and illness don't stand in my way, I will do just that.  People think I'm crazy, or exaggerating, when I explain my love of class.  My love of beating myself up for 60 solid minutes of cardio work out.  "Sure you .. snicker snort snicker .. kick box ...." I don't "look like" a kick boxer.  I don't "act like" a kick boxer (whatever that means) .. but yet, I am a kick boxer.  I enjoy it so very much.

It's my time to be me.  It's my time FOR me.  It's My Time.  One Hour Per Week.  and MAN how I missed it.  Looking back, I'm not sure how I made it this far in life, doing very little that I enjoyed .. just to do it.  I'm a homebody, and now, with Emily - even more so.  I have never been the sort of person to put myself first, and watching that movie ... solidified the fact that no matter what I may have told myself prior?  I was meant to be a mom.   I was meant to have Emily.

I may not be the best at it, and I know I still have a lot - I mean - a LOT - to learn, but I am fairly confident in what I've accomplished thus far in her short life.  

Had I been Mrs. Sennett?  There is no way I would have been able to compose myself the way she did.   
Had I been Vada?  Asking Thomas J to climb trees and asking for his glasses?  Would not have been what I said ... then again, I'm not 11.   and I'm not Vada, nor am I Mrs. Sennett.   


Had that been .. I can't even finish this sentence without tears welling up .. Had that been my child - or a niece or nephew - I don't know how I would have responded.


We all have someone dear to us in Heaven (or your equivalent) ... we all have someone dear to us that we have lost - friends, family, pets - they may be gone from this realm, but they are not forgotten - they are not alone - they are with us every minute, of every day ... and they are with those that had gone before, or after, them.

As I watched "that movie" .. I couldn't help but place myself in those characters shoes ... the parents, the kids, the unimportant mourners .. It made me reflect further on the loss I've personally endured in the last 16 years.  Grandparents, Aunts, Friends, Pets.   It comforts me, a little, to know they are there together, where ever "there" is ... it comforts me some, to know that I am doing the best I can to ensure that what life Emily does have, is happy.  Don't misunderstand, we are all healthy, and happy, it's just a mothers lament.

In July, I almost lost my baby sister ... In August, my mom went in for surgery of her own ... As the holidays approach, and our "time to be thankful" (as people refer it) draws closer, I am struck with the realization - I am human.   I am Mom.   And one little boy on a movie, made me realize even more - I do feel emotions.  Even if I try very hard not to.  I am thankful, grateful, beyond thrilled - to be where I am today, and have who I have in my life.  Sometimes, it takes a moment, a movie, an instant, to remind you what's important.

Now, as I watch Emily learning and discovering new things, I can't help but wonder .. am I doing it right?  IS there a 'right' ... and a 'wrong'?   Am I hurting her in the long run with the choices I am making?  Will she grow up in spite of my short comings, my fears, anxieties .. Will she one day, when she's older, watch this movie and remember me crying over it and understand, finally, why?  What was so powerful in that movie?   The loss of the boy?   the grieving of a child?  of a mother?   The life lessons?   Or will it be the words?  The lines of that movie?  Like this one.

Vada: Mrs. Sennett, don't worry Tomas J will be all right. My mother will take care of him

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I am a Water Baby.

I am a water baby.
My daughter is a water baby.

I am happiest, calmest, most relaxed, when I'm on the water.


The Wildlife, The Sights, The Sounds, The Smells Even.  Time with Family, and Friends.   

In our 11 years together, we have had 3 boats.  2 were purchased off the side of the road, for minimal amounts of money, and while we ran the heck out of the first one, the second one was a dud from the start.  Our third boat has been, by far, our best investment yet.  A 1991 Four Winns Freedom with a 120hp Evinrude Motor, and a Factory Trailer (all painted up to match nicely) .. we purchased it from a co-worker of mine, who I have known my entire life, five summers ago.  It's crazy to think of how long ago that was, and how much we've done, where we've been and what we've seen with her.


Our boat, motor and trailer, are 20 years old.  Twenty.   In car years?  That would be considered a Classic.  Our boat, motor and trailer, are in exceptional condition for being 20 years old.  For 2 years, Mike and I have been bantering back and forth ... should we trade in what we have, and get a slightly larger boat, for when Em gets a little bigger, and we need more space?  Me?  Nope.  The Four Winns is great, she's paid for, she runs like a top.  Fast Forward to June of this Year.   

This summer - we have had a few problems with her.   She's tired.  We used her every weekend, and sometimes, quite a bit actually, during the week.  She's seen many lakes, many hours, and many friends come and go.  She was there with us when Em was born, and has seen her through her her infancy, into and out of her toddler years, and has spent the first summer of her preschool years with us.

She had a hard time starting, and would lose her "prime" .. and her battery would drain .. quickly .. when we were on the water this Summer.   There were days, when we were afraid, we'd have to row back to the shallows, and then - haul her (and our precious cargo) in by rope.  There was a day, at the end of the Summer, when we had to do just that.   She's Tired.  She needs work.  More work than we can do ourselves, and in reality, we don't have the time to invest in the sort of overhaul she needs.

She's Tired.    She also, doesn't owe us one more minute on the water.   When we pulled her in September, we had already been revisiting the idea of trading her in.   I feel like a failure to her.  We promised her a good life, and gave her what we could.  She was appreciated, loved, and well cared for.  I feel like we're giving up on her.  Even though, in reality, We aren't.  She never gave up on us, and we never gave up on her.

Since June, we've been bantering.  Should trade her in, should we wait, what happens if we wait, and no one offers us anything, or accepts our offer, should we have one?  What happens then?   Some people go away for a week here, or a week there, some people go away for days, some people (like us) do inexpensive day trips, that always end on the water.  Always.

There's nothing like packing up for the day, and just .. floating your cares away.  At least, to me.

So this weekend, I lost the battle.  After weeks of research, and offers, counter offers and even more counter offers - failed financing followed by more failed financing.  Used boats, new boats, trade ins - We made one last ditch effort, and were resigned to the fact that this wasn't our year ... the Four Winns would have to last another.   We'd have to make it work.  And we were fine with that.  We were okay with "not this year".  And then .. our bank, our credit union actually, approved the financing, for a deal that is perfect for us.  Essentially a car payment (since we don't have one of those).  In the past year, we have paid down our debt, and saved what we could.  We have built my credit up, and his credit is slowly creeping up behind mine.  

I lost the fight.  We agreed on a deal, which offered us nearly what we paid for the Four Winns 5 Summers ago, and a brand new boat, slightly larger than the one we have.  It's brand new, red & white *the perfect color scheme for us* and a pontoon boat (the argument I lost)  We can pick her up anytime, however, it being October (the best time to get a great deal) the Marina we went through offered storage through the Winter.  That way, we don't have to worry about Winterizing her, and seeing her until we can use her.  We take delivery, in March or April.  

The weekly deduction from our pay is nothing compared to what it could have been.  Saving money left and right, the deal the owner gave us - were too good to pass up.

This Summer, we'll have room to invite friends to float away their cares with us.   I can't wait.

Not that we owe anyone anything, explanation or justification wise - this blog is a way for me to work through my mixed emotions.  

I am a Water Baby.   

Emily is a Water Baby.


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Plus?  She's Pretty


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Reading is FUNdamental!

As part of my "52 books in 52 Weeks" Challenge ... I've been scouring the internet, book stores, friends shelves, and any other place I Can think of for titles that interest me.  Subjects that pique curiosity.

I have a varied palette when it comes to books.  I read everything.   There is literally nothing I wouldn't read, at least once.  I give everything a chance, and I devour information like a kid with a  Halloween Bucket devours their take after Trick Or Treat.

Now, I am not a Religious person - so to speak.  Honestly, I don't know what I believe anymore, nor do I know what I don't believe.  And while I fully believe questioning things is a completely healthy way to live life, I also believe that learning about other "options" is even healthier.

I follow a blogger, who is fantastic.  Unique, original, funny, charming .. you name it, I find her to be .. It.  Now, she is having a contest.

A Contest?  You Say?   Yep. A Contest.  One that I would desperately like to win (I don't win much, and this is right up my alley) ... she is giving away a copy of a book.  But not just any book, mind you.  nope.  Not just any old book off the shelf.

THIS book .. "Old World Witchcraft: Ancient Ways for Modern Days" by Raven Grimassi.   

From Amazon:


Old World Witchdraft reveals rarely discussed topics such as the concept of Shadow as the organic memory of the earth. Readers will learn rooted techniques that possess power because these ways have always been connected to it. They will learn methods of interfacing with the ancestral current and with the organic memory of the earth. Through these they can connect with the timeless arts and learn methods of empowerment directly from the ancient source.
Totally new information about familiar tools is presented. For example, the mortar and pestle is a tool for spell casting, a device that creates interfacing with plant spirits and with shadow, and a focal point for veneration of the Plant Kingdom. Grimassi also presents the art of using plant ashes for magical sigil work.


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See, now THAT interests me.  That captures my attention.   I want to devour that.

While I'm not a practicing witch, or pagan, or anything like that - I'm interested in learning all about them.   The ways they do things, their beliefs and systems.  It interests me.  Far beyond my interest in the Paranormal and Ghosts, if you can believe that.   


If you're interested in trying to win this book (I'm Watching You!)  ----- just click here, on Mrs. B's name --- and read the rules to enter.  


With the colder weather upon us, I'd love to curl up with this book (and many others - let's be honest here) ... wish me luck!

Thanks Mrs. B for the opportunity!  




Sunday, October 2, 2011

Happiness is .... finding peace in the madness


Being an amateur photographer (well, that's what I call myself now-a-days) I've recently discovered the joy, the peace, the happiness in sharing my "captures" with others, often random strangers, whom I have never heard of.

I know I should do up a post on my husband, daughter, pets and family - friends, etc.  However, lately, what brings me happiness - is staring through my lens, leveling the camera just so, pausing to gather the focus, lining up that perfect shot.  Glancing at the digital display screen, to ensure I've managed to capture what I'm seeing in my head, and .. *click* .. a moment, a pause, an item, a flower, a child, a smile, a memory - captured.

Reading the comments, watching the "favorites", the "likes" add up .. reading reviews of my "work" .. that is happiness to me, well, at least, that's MY Happiness.  Lately.

Work is hectic, home life is hectic, our four year old is hectic .. in an attempt to find peace, I've been offered, and have accepted, access to an area where access isn't generally granted.  The ramshackle (for lack of a better term) unfinished, untouched areas of an old industrial mill - where I happen to be, twice a week - one for me, (kickboxing - that's happiness too) and one for our four year old (dance class - that's her happiness) - in a finished space.   That I am allowed into that space?  That I am allowed to take photos, publish them, use them as I see fit .. when others have been denied access?  Denied their requests to do the same?   Happiness.

It seems a little selfish, as I glance through the other posts on other blogs - that I'm describing happiness as .. photography .. but, that's my happiness.  Lately, in a world where there isn't much .. in a time, where there isn't easy answers .. in an existence where sometimes, just sometimes, it's the simple things that bring you peace?

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Why wouldn't it bring you Happiness Too??


Monday, September 26, 2011

Waiting. Not so Patiently.


I hate being told I have to wait.  I hate not knowing.  I am not the most patient person in the world.  Which is one of the reasons I think photography is so important to me.  It forces me to be patient.

Waiting for that perfect shot, the perfect focus.  The Perfect Subject.

Photography - among other things - teaches patience, peace and passion .. of which I know have plenty (well, for this subject)

Now, that all being said.  I have found what I believe to be - the Perfect Subject.

An old mill building, parts of which have been revamped and leased out .. parts of which remain, untouched .. ramshackle, broken down a bit.  I was allowed access to one such area, to take a look, to see if maybe it is what I am looking for.  And is it ever!!

I can snap shots of the exterior, anytime I please - I'm there twice a week anyway, and well, it's near enough to me that I can get there whenever my heart shouts for a moment or two of peace and patience.   But the interior, I need permission from the building owner.  Who has not yet responded to my recent inquiries.

The Next Step?  I will call and speak directly with his personal assistant (at extension 10) ... I need an answer.  I cannot wait much longer.

I cannot be denied access.  It isn't a possibility.  This Subject, is Perfect.

The exposed pipes, the brick, the glassless windows, the doorless door frames .. Dirty Floors, and Dusty Walls .. Perfection.

If only he'd answer me ... If only he'd call back.

*sigh*

So here I sit.  Waiting.  Not so Patiently.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Whatcha Doin Em?



*beep beep*

step, step

*beep beep*

step, step, step, step

*beep beep*

Momma:  "Whatcha Doin Em?"
Emily: "I'm locking all the doors"

You know those, toy key sets they sell in the check out lines -- in target, kmart, walmart (ETC) .. Emily has no less than seven of those sets.  Either buying them herself, or receiving them as gifts, or in her stocking, or Easter Basket - etc.

Today, after playing in her play room (when she's older, it will me my library -- supposedly) she sauntered out into the living room, pressing the button on her "Princess set" of said keys.  Pausing and turning every time she pushed the button.  Aiming at each of the three doors we have in the house.

Apparently, she feels safer now.  *snicker*


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Whelmed

To start my return to blogging, I offer you a movie quote:

"I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed - but can you ever just be ... whelmed?"

I'm a movie buff, and a concert whore - today, I'm using the movie buff portion.  Bare with me, it's been an incredibly long summer - and I have a feeling, it's only just begun.

I've done my very best to remain positive, and happy ... and any other word or phrase that mean the same.  I've done everything I could, to make it easier, happy and positive for those involved - which happen to be my family.  Taking a note from a fellow blogger (or two, or more) ... I cannot discuss the details of what is happening - to complete extent.  Suffice it to say this is the part where I vaguely tell you all what's going on around here - My gorgeous, brand new, adorably perfect niece Abigail is here.  Her arrival was two days early, and brought complications to my sisters life - and I don't mean the normal mommy of a new baby complications.  Everyone is healthy - now, but it was a long - long - scary - terrifying road, and there are a bunch of bumps, twists and turns ahead for Katie.   I'm asking for you to keep us (and them) in your thoughts and prayers, if that's the sort of thing you do.   Everything, and anything, you could offer us, is appreciated more than I could ever - EVER - express.

On top of that, my mom had a partial elbow replacement in early August - and has been out of work since.  Which means, THIS GIRL, is in charge of all that is happening here at work.  I've been here for 12 years, I know Crazy.  12 Years .. I have moved up from the file clerk, to the receptionist, to the office manager, to .... completely 100% trusted and in charge of the company when the bosses aren't around.  While this is an amazing accomplishment (there are not many high ranking women in our industry) - it's also an amazing amount of stress, and responsibility.  I know more about the inner-workings of this company, and this industry, than I ever though possible to know.  Mom has been coming back, for a few hours, here and there, and helping me as she can from home - but it doesn't ease the stress I'm feeling.  It doesn't ease the fear, and discomfort I'm feeling with all that's going on in my head, heart, and world.

Adding to that?  A demon from my recent past has reared her head, not to me, she doesn't have the guts for that.  nearly 1 year to the day after deleting her from our lives, and almost 5 months from saying goodbye in his own way - this person, this demon from our past, has sent a facebook friend request to my husband.  I have told him, I will stand beside whatever decision you make - whatever you do, I'm here - however, please do not expect me to welcome them back into my life with open arms, an open heart and an empty memory.  I have moved on, and refuse to step back.  Stressful.

We have decided not to send Emily to the preschool we had scouted out.  The price, while well worth the education and experience she would get, is just not feasible for us.  Even with cutting corners, and scrimping - the weekly cost, plus adjustments to our schedules, are not something we can do right now.  However, we HAVE signed her up for her second season of dance classes - which she enjoys, immensely.  While those classes are with a different teacher, at a different time, on a different day (which means - kickboxing is only a possibility, instead of a guarantee) - it's still something she's looking forward to.  And to be honest, we are too.

You and I both know (well all know, hopefully there is still more than one reader out there) that work stresses often carry over to home, and vice versa home stresses carry over to work.  We also know, the people who are dealt the worst hand, are those loved ones you have waiting for you at the end of your work day.  Unfortunately, for me, that's my husband of almost 6 years, and our adorable, nearly perfect 4 year old daughter.  

At the end of every day, I don't recognize myself.
At the start of every day, I don't recognize myself.


My voice, is not my own.  My thoughts, are not my own.  My fears, are not my own.


At least, I hope they're not - because this person?  This is not the person I want to be.  This is not the person I aim to be.  This Is Not Me.

I am at a point, in my life - where I am mostly happy.  Mostly.  I fully believe, no matter how hard you try - you cannot be 100% happy in life.  There are stresses, there are problems, there are issues .. There will always be that 90% of happy, and 10% (at most) of unhappy.  It's guaranteed, but while it IS guaranteed, it's also adjustable.  It's negotiable.  That 10% number, it's a sliding scale.    

It is your job, to lower that number to the best of your ability, and as often as you can.  Living life with 10% or more of unhappiness, means something should change.  Something drastic.  

If there are numerous people in your life that don't like you, the way you act, the behavior you exhibit - they can't all be wrong.  Now I'm not one to shout CHANGE FOR EVERYONE ELSE - I'm usually the one that screams "BE YOURSELF - at ALL COSTS" ... I'm the girl who shouts out "Don't like me?  Don't look.  Don't like it?  Don't Listen."   I've come to rethink those slogans.  All Costs, that seems drastic.  Unrealistic.  Inappropriate even.

This is the point in my life, where I have decided to change - for myself.   We all change, it's inevitable.  People grow apart (that's obvious in my life) - People grow up (that's a little, less, obvious in my life) ... It is my goal, to become the person I thought I was.  Tough one right?   How do you become someone you've convinced yourself you already are?  Only to find, you've never been that person.

I'm a lot of things - what I am not - is a quitter, a liar, dumb, predictable, uncaring, ETC ... I am honest, unpredictable, caring, loyal, smart, loving, and more.  If I am your friend, I am your friend for life - or until you decide, you're done with me - if that ever happened?  I'd carry it with me, until I figured out what went wrong - and where - and only after I've tried to fix it, a thousand times from center.  (that's not to say, I won't decide - I'm Done.  I've Tried, I Cannot Put Anymore Forth.  Because we know, I've been there.)   I will not fail at this goal.  I've set my mind to this, and I will succeed.

Now, just to get on with the path to Me.  


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I Love Your Germs

Last week, Emily was very sick.  She had a fever of 104, for three full days.  We visited the doctor three times, and received no answers.   She went to school Monday, and was perfect.  Completed swimming lessons (in a higher class) and earned her sticker.  Around 6pm, Emily was complaining of feeling "icky" - upon taking her temperature, we realized it was a low grade fever - 99.8, nothing to be concerned with - although we did monitor it through the night, and told her teachers to monitor it throughout the day Tuesday.  Around 330 Tuesday afternoon, I texted her teacher to find out how her day was.  Not so good.  She was placed in timeout for being mean to her friends, where she promptly fell asleep on the floor. *sigh*

Upon taking her temperature, it had climbed to 101.8 and was rising.  I left the office, and picked her up.   Wednesday it was 103.7 first thing in the morning.  It climbed steady through out the day, just in time for our first doctors visit.  They took a urine sample, took her temps, took her vitals, weighed her, and checked each orifice they could - as thoroughly as they could (on a sick, screaming, writhing four year old)

We dropped her samples off, and were told to wait.  There was no sign of strep, ear or sinus infections, and until we received the results of the urine culture, motrin and tylenol, alternated through the night - until we hear is the best we can do.  Lukewarm baths, keep her dressed lightly and push the fluids and rest.

Thursday comes - 104.  We call for the results, she's clear, no UTI.  Okay.  What next?  Nothing.  Tylenol/Motrin alternated, lightly dressed, lukewarm bath, push the fluids and rest.  If it's no better, call in the morning, we'll need to have her seen again.

Friday - 104.  Doctors appointment at 11am ... more tests, more prodding, more fighting from a sick four year old.

Same results, same directions.  I hate this - just so you know.   "The Virus" as a response, makes me so mad, I can't even explain how angry.  It seems to be the standard response for times when there is no answer.  Irritating.  This virus, however, was only affecting small children - and those with weakened immune systems.

Since she stayed home with mommy, we watched silly tv, we watched, movies, we played games, read books, ate popsicles, and drank juice.  What we didn't do - was nap.  Until dinner time, that's when she fell asleep.

Friday, after we got her temperature under control, and she rested (Read: Laid quietly for 20 consecutive minutes) - I decided she needed to get out of the house.  The fresh air would do her good, and I was going stir crazy.  The following is a conversation that took place in a used book store.

Mommy:  Okay Em, we're just looking around today.  If you find something you like, and there is a spot to sit, maybe we'll read a story or two okay?
Emi:         Like, the library?   Cuz that's my favorite place.
M:           Sure, except, we don't live here anymore, sooooo we don't have a library card, and this is a store,             
               so things cost Mommy money.  So that's why we're just looking.
E:            Bummer.  Library instead?
M:           *snicker*  Maybe later love.  Maybe.
E:            *sigh* okay.

After going inside, and peeking around, we find the small (minute) children's section.  We poke through the offerings, and not surprisingly, she's bored in seconds.

E:           Library?  Pweeeeeeeeeaaaaassssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
M:         alright, let's go.
E:          YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We went to the Public library where we read 8 story books, looked at 12 pictures books, built 3 towers, 1 castle and looked at the Summer Reading Program Decorations.   Still not feeling 100%, she was rather clingy, and reasonably well behaved.  There were numerous children, who were not so well behaved - and each time one of them misbehaved within her earshot, or line of sight - they were immediately greeted with:

E:   SERIOUSLY.  How OLD are they?!  AND WHERE IS THEIR MOMMY?!!?!?

Suppressing giggles, I mean, she is four after all - I had to explain that not all kids are as well-behaved as she was being, and that sometimes she has her moments too.  To which she replied:

E: Um. Momma, I have *never* climbed on the walls and railings of the library.

At which time she gestured to a little boy, no more than 6, but old enough to know better - who was at that moment, scaling the half wall, and "balance beam" type walking down the ledge.

It was time to go.   She knew it, I knew it, the staff knew it.

My incredible 4 year old, still battling a now fading fever, helped me clean up not only the books we read and looked at, but each book the other kids had left scattered across the floor.  Every block that was out of place, and every toy (there are a few) that needed to be straightened.

Upon arriving home?  She hugged me, kissed my cheek, and said "thank you for the bestest sick day ever -- even the doctor part"

When I asked for a real kiss - she replied "I'm sick, I have germs"  to which I replied "I love your germs"  Which intrigued her, and caused a rather wonderful response:

Oh Mommy, I Love Your Germs Too.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Extra Squidges

We took a mini-vacation the week before last.  Tuesday July 5th, was my and Emily's first day back to school/work.

I will post about that, I promise, but for now, for now I need to focus on something else entirely.

For the past 30-some days, there has been a trial - publicized and talked about all day, every day, on every channel there is.  Of course, I'm talking about the Caylee Anthony Case.  (now I know, Wiki isn't the greatest resource, but .. you now the case anyway)  Let me preface this - well, okay, not preface, but you know what I mean - by saying, I believe with 100% of my heart and soul, that Casey Marie Anthony had *something* to do with the death of her daughter.  I believe with 100% of my heart and soul, that Casey Marie Anthony *caused* the death of her daughter.  100%.  No Question.

On June 16, 2008, Caylee Anthony was last seen alive.   On July 15, 2008, Caylee Anthony was finally reported missing.  On December 11, 2008, Caylee Anthony's remains, were found - discarded like garbage in the woods near the Anthony home, where Casey (her mother) and Lee (her uncle) used to play when they were kids.  Six Months After She Was Last Seen Alive.  

Caylee was just shy of 9 months older than my daughter Emily.   

On July 5, 2011 - Casey Marie Anthony was found Not Guilty of Capital Murder (Murder in the First Degree), Negligent Child Abuse and Manslaughter.  She was, however, found Guilty on Four Counts of "providing false information to law enforcement" and faces up to 1 year in prison, on each count.  She has currently served 998 days in prison.  Just 97 days shy of 3 years.   Since she's already served so long in prison, she could have been freed Thursday morning, after her sentencing hearing at 9am.   Walking free, while her daughter no longer breathes.   Thankfully, Judge Berry sentenced her to 1 year for each count, to be served consecutively (one after the other) and she was ordered to pay 1000 dollar fine per count.  Four Years, 4000 dollar fine.

It has been released now, that she will get time served, and credit for her "good behavior" .. her date of release is now July 17th.   This coming Sunday.

While I am glad that the Jury followed the law, and found her Not Guilty to the letter of that law - I still cannot believe she has gotten away with everything.  That there is no one to answer for the murder of that little child.  It pains me, personally, because Caylee was a few months older than Emily .. 8 actually.  8 Months Older.  I can't look at pictures of her, without thinking of Emily.  It breaks my heart.   This little girl, will never reach the milestones that Emily has hit, and will (God Willing) continue to hit.

When the verdict was read, I like many, was completely shocked.  And heartbroken.  Again, because now there is no one to answer for this crime.  When I got home, we had dinner, and completed our after school/work rituals and once it was time for bed, I had no problem expanding our ritual.

A normal bedtime ritual starts with hugs and kisses for whichever parent is remaining downstairs (in this case Daddy) ... a few tickles, giggles, funny faces and we're off to the upstairs.  She uses the bathroom, we brush her teeth and hair, wash her hands and face, and make sure her long gorgeous hair is braided - so it doesn't get tangled overnight.   After that, we're ready for squidges, kisses, a few stories and more laughs.

Emily is in charge of retrieving Marvin from where ever she has hidden him from the cats (Gullie has an obsession) while I pick one or two story books to read to her.  Then it's time to get "snuggled in" and listen to whichever books I've chosen (or she's requested)

On this night, she chose three books, and I had one special one we'd been reading - a chapter every other night - for the previous week or so.  While usually, depending on the day, her behavior and how I'm feeling, 4 books would have pushed me over the edge of "Really?!?! You need four books today?!" (yes, sadly, I have had that reaction, way more than I am comfortable revealing, and I promise, I am working on it) ... This time, instead of having her lay in her bed, curled up with her Marvin (the giraffe she's had since infancy), listening patiently, and glancing at the pictures as I flip the pages - I climbed into her toddler bed (we still need a twin sized bed for her, she's growing so fast . *sigh* yet another thing to save for) and let her lay with me as I read.   First there was "I Love You Through & Through", followed by "Guess how Much I Love You" then it was my personal favorite - "the Runaway Bunny"  .. three of our most favorite night time books to read - together (as much as a 4 yr old can) the last book we read, or well - she fell asleep during - was "Junie B: First Grader - Dumb Bunny" (we picked this book up for a dollar and we've read it completely once already)

Our 15 to 20 minute bedtime ritual was extended to 40-45 minutes, and that night?  It was okay, I would love to say it's a new night time ritual, but sadly, poor behavior, and plain old exhaustion (the healthy kid played all day kind) have taken their toll on her.  We're back to 20-25 minutes, and some days - some days - she gets a little extra.  Whether it be reading extra stories, or staying up watching a cartoon or two a little later, she does get a little extra.

With stories like this riddling the news?  People who have lost loved ones to tragic accidents, (sadly, I have recently been affected by a horrific accident as of late - a friend of mine passed away yesterday - Monday July 11th) or crimes, or natural causes - with stories like this, I hold her a little closer.  A little tighter.  It is my job to make sure she grows up healthy, happy, well rounded and stable.  I hope with all I have, that I am doing that well.  I am doing the absolute best I can.

In our house, thanks to the movie Hook *we've all seen it right?* - we call hugs - Squidges ... there is a particular line by Granny Wendy - when the family first arrives in London
"Come on now, Give Us a Squidge" ..

 It is something that stuck with Emi the first time she watched it - and something we have enjoyed saying, it has also developed into a nickname for her.  One she giggles at, and turns a little red.

Night time rituals, daytime rituals, each day in fact - will now include Extra Squidges.


How could you not?   she's perfect.  (some days that is "perfectly evil" -- but perfect none the less)

Monday, June 20, 2011

A note on reading ...

I've recently updated my book list on the side (there ------> ) of my blog - that shows the 52 books in 2011 ... now, to be fair, I have read each book this year that doesn't say "currently reading" ... it may have been one or two books in a week, or the like ... and I generally read in the evening, or on the boat .. it's my "down time".

If it says "Currently Reading" .. rest assured, I'm not reading 4 or 6 books at once, I limit myself to 2 (as I'm getting older I can't seem to focus, absorb, or enjoy - more than that) ... it merely means that it's next in the queue.

I'm a little behind, but I have confidence that I Can AND WILL reach my goal.

I hope I've inspired some of you to pick up a book or more, when ever you can - I know life is hectic for me, I can only imagine how it is for some of you.  Reading is (like I said) my down time, my escape.  There are a few things in life that I hold dear, and wish to pass on to my daughter.  Two of those are reading and photography.  here's why.

Reading -- (we're currently reading: Junie B - First Grader:  Dumb Bunny at bed time each night, her very first chapter book) ... is something I think I can share.  She already shows a passion for books, and begs for books as her "prizes" for completing her behavior sticker chart.  I'd rather have her beg for books, as opposed to toys.  I never go anywhere without a book, or my Kindle, and she is equally as obsessed.  She was given a "V-Tech V-Reader" for Christmas, it's with her, where ever she goes.

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(even if it means reading a diabetes awareness magazine)

Photography -- She loves to pose for pictures, and "help" take pictures when she sees something that strikes her fancy.  I love that she can and will, reach for a camera with such ease - already.  She has 6 or 7 fake cameras, and when she's old enough, I cannot wait to give her her first camera.  I've already gotten her interested in using mine, I can't wait to see what she does with her own.  Just as with me and my camera, she has a fake camera with her, every day.

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not bad for a four year old huh??

Little Wonders .....

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels


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Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

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Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end


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Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain


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All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now


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In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain
(Rob Thomas)
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Thursday, June 16, 2011

7 minutes of sleep?? Awesome.

This is a true story .. and I know I am going to be sorry I didn't go home and sleep, but -- here it is.

Yesterday was Emily's big dress rehearsal for her first ever Dance Recital.


The mother of a little girl I bring to dance class every week and I had pre-arranged that this time, since it was earlier, farther away and she didn't work Wednesday, that she would pick up the girls at daycare, and drive them to McD's to get a snack or something equally unhealthy, and meet me at the school where the rehearsal, and subsequent recital, was taking place.



I get out of work a touch early, so I can go to the dance studio where one of the women that work there told me last week, I could still purchase tickets for THIS Saturdays show.  Get there, wait 10-15 minutes, watching the clock and growing frustrated and irritated by the minute - no one shows up.  Call the studio number and am greeted with the following message:



"Thank you for calling Studio 109, Dance, Voice & Drama - today is Wednesday June 15th, and we are closed for the day.  Our big dress rehearsal will be at 430pm SHARP at Noble HS located in North Berwick Maine.  We can't wait to see you all there, if you have a message please, leave it after the beep" ................................. NOT what I Had been Told a Week Earlier.



I call Angela (the other mom) and we begin planning where on our route we're going to meet up so I can follow her in, since I was unsure of where I was going, and she had been there before.   Discovering I in fact knew an easier route, I was directing her turn by turn, until she knew where she was.  At one point, as I was hanging up, I was stopped at a stop sign after she had just turned - as I put the phone down I am hit from behind ... Awesome.



Get out of the car, get the kids name, phone number and plate number (he said he didn't have an insurance card) and he says:

"OMG I am so sorry, I wasn't even paying attention, I was reading a text" ........ Wait, What!?



I turned, looked at him and said "Guess it's a good thing my Uncle's a cop then huh?  I need your information, this is a company car, and I'll have to report it to our insurance company."   to which he stammered there was no real damage, just his license plate was bent in - blah blah yadda yadda.   Don't care.  Got the information  ---  in the process, Lost Angela.  Awesome.



Finally get her back on the phone, and find she took a wrong turn, but got off the phone to quickly with me to turn her around before she's gone too far.  Finally get her back, turn her around and redirect her to where I am waiting.



We end up One Hour Late.  (we called the Director and let her know ahead of time.)   Emily and Grace missed their number.  Get them changed out of their, now useless, costumes.  And Wait.  Awesome.



Since they are in the Finale as well, they have to stay.  Get in touch with hubby, tell him what's going on - and he shows up to see that everything is okay, and I break down bawling my eyes out when I see him (outside away from all the kids - particularly mine) ... explain everything that happened, and get inside to see the rest of the rehearsal.  Which runs until 730.  We're still a half hour from home - and the game starts at 8.  Awesome.



Get home, have Em take a shower, (she'd already eaten dinner - twice) get her in her jammies and wait for hubby to get home.  (he stopped to get himself something to eat) ... he gets home, they sit together for a bit, then it's off to bed (super late, on a school night) and I run my self a bubble bath and pour a glass of wine ... except the bubbles don't form, the water is cold, and all I had in the house was 1/2  a glass of white wine ..... Awesome.



Get out of the tub, tuck myself in, turn on the game - Bruins win - 4-0 - FUCKING Awesome.  
Canucks Fans riot, and act like immature assholes ... Awesome.



Read for a while once the game is over, cannot fall asleep.   1am .. 2am .. 3am .. Kittens decide it's playtime and I'm the playground .. 4am hear car doors opening and shutting, get up to investigate .. nothing there .. 415am - Em talks in her sleep - loudly - about missing her rehearsal, it's all my fault, and I'm not in her heart anymore.  Awesome.



Finally at 6:08am, I drift asleep ... the alarm goes off at 6:15am.  I'm up for the day ... Awesome.

It is indeed, Happening.

Bonne Jessi trentième anniversaire!!
Feliz Jessi trigésimo cumpleaños!!
Среќен Роденден триесеттиот Jessi!!
Feliz Jessi trixésimo aniversario!!
Честит рожден ден тридесетия Jessi!!
Happy dertigste verjaardag Jessi!!
Χρόνια Τριακοστή Jessi Πολλά!!
Jessi Pen-blwydd Hapus degfed ar hugain!!!!
Glücklich dreißigsten Geburtstag Jessi!!



Breithlá shona Jessi Trıochadu!!!!
Jessi Buon trentesimo compleanno!!

I *could* go on .. but you get the gist ... 


Happy Thirtieth Birthday Jessi!!!!!!!   it is indeed happening, and you're going to love it!!

Love You!!!
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Still my Favorite Picture of you <3


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

School Days, School Days ....


As a parent, you enjoy certain things.  Their first smile, laugh, word, step .. etc.

As a parent, you worry about certain things.  Whether they're eating enough, eating right, walking right, talking right, hitting each milestone right.

My dearest little mouth  child, is now four years old - not yet old enough for kindergarten, and too smart for her current 'school' day care setting.  I have been researching, reading, calling, checking, asking .. etc .. around for information on local preschools.  I live in a town, work in another, and current Em goes to school/daycare in yet another - so location doesn't really concern me, as any of these 3 towns would work fine for our current schedule.

I have looked into private, public, in home, in center, new, old, established, changed, new curriculum, no curriculum, learn through play, going green - you name it ... I have a hard time trusting people with her care, and I am having an even harder time finding a proper school that will fit with her needs, and my requirements.  I find it completely unacceptable that I may have to bend my requirements, or amend them slightly to make things fit properly.  She's my child, I refuse to require less.  In my honest opinion, asking for someone to care for my child as their own, treat her like a person, not a commodity, teach her things she'll need to know, socialize her with other kids, while keeping her safe and letting her BE a kid at the same time - isn't much too ask.  At least, I don't think so.

I had a place chosen, and the more I read, and heard, and learned about said place, the more concerned I grew.   There is no structure, at all.  It's a glorified daycare, for the same price I'm paying now, they have no curriculum.   They have no craft time, no structured learning time - just - play.  Which is fine - but - that's what we have now, except, she has about an hour of structured school time.  She knows her ABCs, her numbers, opposites, colors, shapes - ETC - and I'm looking for a place that will expand on that, not forget about it and move on.

After days and weeks of searching and such, I spoke with a teacher today, and will be speaking with their Director tomorrow - and I believe, we've found a match.  Provided the cost is the same, and we can pay weekly, as we are now - Emily may have a new School come September.

I'm not entirely sure how, but she's known this was coming, for months.  She has repeatedly said to us:

"When I get to my new school ..."
"At my New School ..."
"My New Teacher, at my New School ...."

Emily is excited, for something no one has mentioned.  It's almost as if it's *her* way of asking for a change.  Asking for something new and exciting.  Being way to smart for her own good, we need to find a place that offers --- more.   Not "good enough", not "just enough" .. but more.  

For the past few weeks, she's been getting into more and more trouble - nothing serious, thank GOD - no more hitting, pushing, name calling - just the typical screaming, fighting, not listening a four year old decides to do when he or she has had enough of -- whatever it is that's irritating them.  Typical kid stuff.  The kicker has been her running into the road at school.  Not acceptable, and she knows better.  Because of that particular antic, she's lost play dates (I seriously hate that term), desserts, extra things that she earns at the end of every "good" day at school.   Apparently, I'm a horrible mom, and she no longer has me in her heart (true story, for another post)

Hopefully, my little darling will have just what she is (and I am) looking for.  Begging for really.  Why else (other than being MY little darling, and a typical 4 yr old) would she be acting out in such a way?  She Must Be Bored.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Still Waiting

I have decided.  That's right, I've made a decision, and I'm going to put a plan in motion, and I'm going to do it ... as soon as I have time.  So - probably in the winter.

Currently, in addition to working 40+ hours a week in my office, and being the full time mom of a very busy, very bright 4 year old girl, as well as a full time wife --- I have added two large projects to my "Doing Now" list. Both, on the same day, in 24 days. I know.  I can't help it.

In addition to our normal Summer Activities (mainly, boating and floating) we are going to be taking day trips here and there, and hopefully taking a full vacation sometime as well.  We'll see.  Financially it doesn't make sense to take an entire week off, and spend that money on a hotel room with a view, and a four year old that gets cranky in the heat - but, alas, it's most likely what Mike will argue for.  And in reality, it's not that much to ask for - a week away .. I don't know why I fight it so hard.

My two new projects are the Relay for Life (now, I know, this isn't a "new" project - but I will explain) and my sisters baby shower.   That's right .. This Girl is going to be an Auntie Again .. Katie is due in July, with her first baby, a girl - Miss Abigail Rose (or Abbi for short).  Now, how is it that these two events are on the same day?  Allow me to explain.

The Relay for Life is an event I've been participating in for the past three years (well, this is my third consecutive year walking).  It is an event I hold dear to my heart, because of the number of people in my life that have been, or currently are, affected by Cancer.  In my opinion, it doesn't just affect those diagnosed - it touches and affects every single person that person loves and cares for.  Last year, I was acting Captain of our Team (the Tigerlilies, so named as to honor my late aunt, who passed away from pancreatic cancer, when Emily was only 4 months old.)  because our Captain, my sister, was on her honeymoon, in Jamaica.  I know.   This year, I am acting Captain again, (or more likely, CO-Captain) because she is now, 8 months pregnant.  The planning!!   SO that means, I am in charge of, well, everything - and I am beyond grateful to have a Team as wonderful as I do.  Our Team Members are amazing, and we have all vowed that this was the year we were going to be on the map. This is the year, we'll be the team to beat!  (because, you know, charity IS a competition.)  The Relay begins on Saturday June 25th, and Ends on Sunday, June 26th.  It is nearly 24 hours, of straight walking.   That's right.  Walking all night.  Last year, my dearest friend Corey and I took 1st and 2nd in the amount of laps walked.  I walked I think it was 138, and she walked 136.  This year?  We're going to smash that record.  it is going to happen.  See?  Charity = Competition.  Don't Judge, if you do, however, make sure I get the winning score - K?

Also being held on Sunday, June 26th - is my sister's baby shower - that I am in charge of planning, and hosting.  yep.  I will be walking all night - and playing Party Hostess at 12pm the following day.  I have a ton of things I'd love to do - games, trinkets, etc - but I'm not entirely sure where the money, and time, are going to come from - certainly, I cannot make time stop.  certainly, I cannot make a money-tree appear.  Certainly, I have a lot of shit to accomplish.  Certainly, I am the kind of person, who refuses to fail.  certainly. this is happening.  She *will* have a Baby Shower, and it *will* be lovely.   I just may be asleep on my feet :)

So the original reason for this particular post was -- alas I have not yet completed, or well, to be more fair *started* my Mom-Cave.  I know, I know, I need it. I NEED that space - and I fully intend on making great use of said space - when my calendar allows.  Which, as I said, at this rate, won't be until sometime when the snow starts to fly.  I'm hoping, beyond hope, that I can have it completed before October.  So that I am able to enjoy my room, while the snow flies around outside.  So I can utilize the two windows, and watch from my comfy chair, reading a book, sipping hot chocolate.   A girl can dream.

Here's an embarrassing admission .. this is what my "Mom-Cave" looks like:

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Trust me.  I'm appalled.  I do not know how it got this bad, but I do know that it will be rectified, the moment time allows.   *sigh* Some day.