Monday, December 19, 2011

Fleas On My Dog ....

I won't rehash for you my disdain for this time of year.  It's rather obvious how I feel about it, and how I've (as long as I can remember) felt about it.

Trying to fake cheer, and teach a 4 yr old that it's not about what is or isn't under the tree, or magically delivered by a Fat Man in a Red Suit, that it's about love, and spending it with those you love (and trying to "miniature down" the story of Jesus - and the like - to a 4yr olds understanding {particularly when that four year old appears smarter than you at most times}) .. is no easy feat in and of itself - but especially when you're not sure what it's about any more either.    So, instead of rehashing all of that nonsense (though it appears as if I just gave that abridged version more attention than I feel it deserves) ... allow me to replay for you, some of my favorite "Holiday Moments"

My daughter, the little savant, has taken control of any and all radios in the immediate vicinity - and they must all play Christmas Music -- AT ALL TIMES .. while she's awake and aware that is. ;)     The radio in the truck (the van died .. the day before Thanksgiving, leaving me, stranded on the side of Route 125, in the Rain - alone - with a broken cell phone ... another story, for another day)  has a crappy radio system in it.  The speakers are not that old nor expensive, but I'm guessing were never installed quite properly (sorry hubz) and thus, they are blown already ... is tuned into and stuck on 94.9 WHOM .. who plays Christmas Music - 24 hours a day, from November First Through December 26th ... Awesome for me.

Emily's favorite song (of the moment) is "Jingle Bell Rock" . which she "insists on singing alone" even though she only knows six lyrics.   Her second favorite - is "Feliz Navidad"  ... now, last year, when my little Elfkin sang this song it sounded .. not quite right .. instead of "Feliz Navidad" it came across as "Fleas on My Dog" .. which of course, brought me an incredible of amusement - then - and even now, when I remind her of her musical blunders of years past .. at first, she'd giggle, and say something like "Silly Emi!!"  now it's .. "ECK MOM!!  It's Feleeeez NaviDAH!"  with a head tilt and roll of her gorgeous blue eyes, fitting of a 14 year old.

When reading that sentence from Emily - think this scene in Harry Potter & The Sorcerers Stone:
Ron: Wingardium Leviosar!
Hermione:  Stop, stop, stop!  You're going to take someone's eye out.  Besides, you're saying it wrong.  It's LeviOsa, not LeviosAR!
In Emily's 4 1/2 years of existence, people in costume have given her issue.   Santa, the Easter Bunny, Chuck E. Cheese .. etc there was one Santa she was okay with - last year, and the year before, and that was it - the Wal-Greens Santa - a young kid, who hardly spoke -- he was her favorite.   Until we met the Santa at DeMeritt Hill Farm in Lee, NH, and even then - she was ... iffy.   She'd talk to him, from behind my legs, and take a photo, with Mike and I, while one of us were holding her.   This year, she stood with him.   This year, she practically dragged me down the "hallway" at the local Mall, to see Santa before his "hours were up" (the hours he's there end at 8pm Until Christmas Eve) .. the excitement bursting through her like candy from a pinata.   She opted to stand with him, instead of sitting on his lap, understandable, and sooo freakin' cute.   She introduced herself, shook his hand, and proceeded to tell him about her "Elf" Elizabeth.   Without explaining who she was, she said "I know, I'm being good, I promise - Elizabeth is watching" ... no hesitation, no confusion the reply she received - astounded her.  "Ah, yes, Elizabeth - your elf,  I know her well - we have discussed you every night since she arrived at your house.  you're doing much better!!"

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This year, we also received a letter from Santa (We visited Santa's Village in Jefferson NH earlier this summer and it's a service they offer) ... which mentioned her favorite ride of the day, a few things she asked for and her bestie, Mallory.  AND A Personal Video from the Portable North Pole in an email directly from Santa to Emily (I'll have to upload the pictures of her face when she saw it.   She was ... beyond excited)  

The only thing missing - besides a Drama Free Holiday - is snow.   Emily has been begging to make a snowman, to throw snowballs at daddy, go sledding, play outside until her nose and cheeks hurt, and come in to hot chocolate and fresh baked cookies ... Except.  Mother Nature, is apparently angry that we purchased a Boat, and not some snowmobiles ... she'll survive.

Saturday Morning --- it started to flurry ... This was Her Response:
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It didn't amount to anything, and the day warmed up .. but .. she was dancing and jumping as if it were the Blizzard of '78.

Oh to have that Magic Feeling for this time of year Again 

Friday, December 16, 2011

Looking back .. a reflection

(This was written in September)

It was absolutely gorgeous outside Saturday.  Yet, there I sat.  Tears streaming down my chubby cheeks, looking back.

You see, I was watching a movie, that I haven't seen in ages - and looking back, now I remember why.  Why I haven't watched this movie.  Why I haven't subjected myself to this ... torture.   Don't mistake what I'm saying. It's a good movie.  It has a great message (as all good movies do)

If you're my age, or .. older .. you remember this movie, and when it came out.  You remember watching it - for the first time, and you remember the feelings you had.  You don't even have to truly look back, you can just remember.

As the mom of a 4 yr old, maybe it's just the mom reaction.  Maybe it's a human reaction.  Maybe I'm just over emotional and dense - either way - I was a wreck.  Imagining myself in place of a character, imagining Emily in place of another.  Torture.  102 minutes of Torture.  (plus commercial breaks of course)

I am talking about the movie "My Girl" - which if you haven't ever seen this movie, might I suggest you take a moment, or 102 of them, and check it out.  It's a good movie, it really is.  I just seem to have an unnatural (or completely natural) response to it as of late.

I am currently on the path to me, whatever the hell that means.  On this path, I have expected to encounter bumps, roadblocks (or pathblocks as the case may be) . twists, turns, and any other path-slowing words you may think of.   To think this journey would be an easy one, is a joke to say the least.  I'm aware of the difficulties facing me.  I am aware of the pain I'll inevitably go through.  I have to be aware.  Otherwise, what is the point?  I'll admit to being caught by surprise a time or two - but for the most part, I'm doing well on this journey of mine.  Not there yet, but well on my way.  As a matter of fact, I started kick boxing again last week - I cannot tell you how much I've looked forward to that day .. How Much I Enjoyed Every Single Pang, Tweak, Twinge, Every Feeling of Accomplishment I Had Last Week.

I plan to go - every week, as I had been before .. and so long as injury and illness don't stand in my way, I will do just that.  People think I'm crazy, or exaggerating, when I explain my love of class.  My love of beating myself up for 60 solid minutes of cardio work out.  "Sure you .. snicker snort snicker .. kick box ...." I don't "look like" a kick boxer.  I don't "act like" a kick boxer (whatever that means) .. but yet, I am a kick boxer.  I enjoy it so very much.

It's my time to be me.  It's my time FOR me.  It's My Time.  One Hour Per Week.  and MAN how I missed it.  Looking back, I'm not sure how I made it this far in life, doing very little that I enjoyed .. just to do it.  I'm a homebody, and now, with Emily - even more so.  I have never been the sort of person to put myself first, and watching that movie ... solidified the fact that no matter what I may have told myself prior?  I was meant to be a mom.   I was meant to have Emily.

I may not be the best at it, and I know I still have a lot - I mean - a LOT - to learn, but I am fairly confident in what I've accomplished thus far in her short life.  

Had I been Mrs. Sennett?  There is no way I would have been able to compose myself the way she did.   
Had I been Vada?  Asking Thomas J to climb trees and asking for his glasses?  Would not have been what I said ... then again, I'm not 11.   and I'm not Vada, nor am I Mrs. Sennett.   


Had that been .. I can't even finish this sentence without tears welling up .. Had that been my child - or a niece or nephew - I don't know how I would have responded.


We all have someone dear to us in Heaven (or your equivalent) ... we all have someone dear to us that we have lost - friends, family, pets - they may be gone from this realm, but they are not forgotten - they are not alone - they are with us every minute, of every day ... and they are with those that had gone before, or after, them.

As I watched "that movie" .. I couldn't help but place myself in those characters shoes ... the parents, the kids, the unimportant mourners .. It made me reflect further on the loss I've personally endured in the last 16 years.  Grandparents, Aunts, Friends, Pets.   It comforts me, a little, to know they are there together, where ever "there" is ... it comforts me some, to know that I am doing the best I can to ensure that what life Emily does have, is happy.  Don't misunderstand, we are all healthy, and happy, it's just a mothers lament.

In July, I almost lost my baby sister ... In August, my mom went in for surgery of her own ... As the holidays approach, and our "time to be thankful" (as people refer it) draws closer, I am struck with the realization - I am human.   I am Mom.   And one little boy on a movie, made me realize even more - I do feel emotions.  Even if I try very hard not to.  I am thankful, grateful, beyond thrilled - to be where I am today, and have who I have in my life.  Sometimes, it takes a moment, a movie, an instant, to remind you what's important.

Now, as I watch Emily learning and discovering new things, I can't help but wonder .. am I doing it right?  IS there a 'right' ... and a 'wrong'?   Am I hurting her in the long run with the choices I am making?  Will she grow up in spite of my short comings, my fears, anxieties .. Will she one day, when she's older, watch this movie and remember me crying over it and understand, finally, why?  What was so powerful in that movie?   The loss of the boy?   the grieving of a child?  of a mother?   The life lessons?   Or will it be the words?  The lines of that movie?  Like this one.

Vada: Mrs. Sennett, don't worry Tomas J will be all right. My mother will take care of him