Tuesday, October 20, 2009

What a way to start a blog ...

For the past 3 months, I've been getting little to no sleep each night, and cannot figure out why. My dr and I are working with new BC pills, to see if the hormones in the ones I was taking, are the root cause of the migraines I've been getting, which keep me from sleeping, and cause a weird .. pulsating .. sound .. when I lie down.

To top that all off, my 22 year old cat Rufus passed away Friday while I was at work. Leaving for the day, I knew it would be the last time I saw him alive, and I cannot come to terms with going home, and not having him there. we buried him in our yard, in a spot the sun always hits, and the birds gather near.

for 22 years, he was my constant companion. Always there when I needed a warm body to cuddle, a friend, a confidant. I know it sounds weird, he was a Cat, Amy, get a grip. But for 22 years of my 28, he was with me.

When I met Mike, when I lost friends, and relatives, when I got married, when I had Emily ... he was there.

And now, he's not. He's with me in my mind, I know, he's with me in my heart, I understand .. but .. I can't seem to grasp that this is now my reality. This is now my life.

Without Rufus.

Every day, he'd greet me at the door, and every night he'd lay with me on the couch watching TV . I'd pet his head, and he'd snuggle in. I don't have that anymore.

I had to explain to Emily when Sharkbait her goldfish died, and she was fine .. but this .. this is different, she asks for him every day, and she tells random strangers, "Rufie Died. He's outside now, in the box."

Mike built a little wooden box for him, and we wrapped him in a fluffy towel .. and really, people should get it - but .. she's 2, and I don't want to have to spend every chance I get explaining that to people. "Our cat died" .. and I get that he was 22, I do, that's ancient, and in cat years it's nearly unheard of ... however ... I really don't want to hear
"well, he was old, it was bound to happen soon" or "He lived a really great life" .. or "he was spoiled and you are a great fur-mama" .. I just want my cat.

I want him back.

I'm irrational, and I know it. I'm depressed, and I know it. and I know I'll be ok in a few days, but .. really, I'll never be the same, because Rufus is no longer here.

For 22 years, of my 28, I had the best friend a person could want. For 22 years, of my 28, Rufus helped me deal with things. What happens now? for the next 22 years? Where am I going to be without him? How am I going to deal - without him?

I know, I'm Irrational. But you know what, I can be.

Just this once, in this 5 minutes, I don't have to be anyone's mom (which - I love being), or anyone's wife (again, love it) - for this five minutes - I can be a grieving pet owner, who has lost her best friend.

Rest In Peace Rufus, you are always in my heart, always on my mind ... chase those birds, watch those leaves, lie in that sun .. I Love You.


1 comment:

Jessi said...

I totally get it. I do. I am so sorry. So sorry.

Pets weasel their way into your life, your heart and your family. Rufus not being "there" is something you've never really experienced.

All I can say is that I'm so sorry. This sucks.

I am glad you started a blog and look forward to posts, as you heal.