Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Things I can no longer claim

I am six days post surgery.

I am noticing things, small things, about myself that I never really paid attention to before.  Things that I had sworn I'd never do, or notice, that now are front and center reality.

here is a small list of Things I Can No Longer Claim:

1.)  VPL Free Lifestyle.

Let's be real here.  I am not a thin woman, I will never be a "thin" woman.  I will be smaller, my goal is at least one more pants size, possibly two - but I'm being realistic.  I'm way to lazy, and I enjoy food way to much to make sure I exercise *every* day, and to limit the foods I consume.  Seriously, I've been without buffalo chicken salad for 4 1/2 weeks now, and have devoured one today in a time that is way too embarrassing to post about (7 1/2 minutes).  Don't tell me I can't have something - I Will Have It.  Twice.  In a Row.  because I want to.   That all being said, I can only weat certain clothing at the moment, because of these awesome new puncture wounds.  Anything too tight, and they hurt, anything to low, and they hurt, anything to high, and they hurt.  you get what I'm saying?  So last night, I purchased 2 pairs of "work out esque" jersey shorts - Real - it's 80* in March, my shorts are not accessible AND more so they're not the loose fitting kind I need.  today?  I'm realizing if my muumuu of a tshirt wasn't completely covering my ass, I'd be VPLing it like you read about.

Visible Panty Line Pictures, Images and Photos  

2.) I will NEVER go to Wal-Mart in my pjs.
I have prided myself on never having to be in public in my PJs . Ever.  I have prided myself on the fact that - even when she was itty-bitty-little - Em's PJs in public were kept to an absolute minimum.  Let us revisit what I can comfortably wear for the time being, shall we?  yeah.   In order to purchase earlier mentioned larger work out esque jersey shorts, I needed to go to Wal-Mart (because really? 2 for 20 as opposed to 30+ dollars per pair at Kohl's?  I love me some faded glory) ... yesterday, I was wearing the equivalent of a tent - sorry honey - my husbands thin cotton plaid pajama bottoms, a white tank top and a grey tank top.  They matched - I wasn't completely material... but yeah. I was close.  So Close.

people of walmart pictures Pictures, Images and Photos

3.) I have all my vital organs!!
I had told myself, long ago, that I would do whatever necessary to keep my inside parts - well, inside.  I failed.  At nearly 31 years old, I HAVE FAILED.   Yes, I had my wisdom teeth removed (surgically! FUN!) and my sinus' roto-rootered (even MORE fun) and a C-Section, to remove an 8 lb 10oz, screeching baby girl ... but for the most part, I was intact.  I know, I know - if the doctors can take it out it's not vital -- part of evolution is change (Okay, ALL of evolution is change) ... but really?  if they served no purpose, why do we have them?  OH RIGHT!  so we can eat normally, and live normally, and all together function normally with out the aid of digestive medications and avoiding the best tasting foods on the planet.

4.) I'm not allergic to anything except silver & nickle 
About That.  Through a process I'd rather not explain - it's long winded, and the details are unnecessary.  I have found four FOUR pain medications that would cease my existence should they enter my system.  Oxycodone, Oxycontin, Percocet and Morphine.   Awesome.  I'm sure these 4 are related to others that I'm not allowed to have, should I wish to continue in this world, but those are the four that I'm now - painfully, itch-illy aware of.

5.) I could spend all day on the couch, no problem.
Even when I was 9 months pregnant - I was working.  From home, some days, from the office most others.  I was working. And when I wasn't working, I was busy around the house.  We had just built it, we had just moved in, and there were clearly things needing to be done.   Upon arrival home from the hospital Thursday (thanks to one of those painful, itchy processes that day, I was kept a touch longer than normally necessary) - I laid on the couch, updated my FB and proceeded to doze, every so often - for no more than 30 minutes at a time.  Friday?  Home from work, on the couch, I did not doze, at all All Day Long.  Saturday?  Out - in the stores, buying paint, and supplies to paint the hall and kitchen walls.  They've been white way too long.  Sunday?  Out & then dinner with my parents, at their house.  It was nice, relaxing, I wasn't allowed to do much - but still, exhausting.  This Entire Week? (so far) At Work.  For 8 hours a day, and each day I've gone to a store afterwards, to pick up necessities  (seriously, fat shorts, are my best friends today and tomorrow) ... I cannot sit still.   I'm not allowed to do much (though, this morning I totally did the laundry and the dishes, I couldn't stand it anymore) ... but I have consistently done TOO MUCH, and now, I'm paying for it.  As if that'll change anything.
I Am Not A Couch Potato.

Welcome to My New Reality.
Ain't it a Bitch?


Jessi said...

VPL is completely unfogivable. I don't know if we can be friends anymore. I might forgive you if it was symmetrical VPL... but, if one ass check completely swallows the underpants... I can't forgive.

Glad you still have your sense of humor

Amy said...

Thankfully - Symmetrical .. Thankfully.

And I'm super glad the muumuu tent of a t-shirt, completely covered my rhinoceros sized rear.

you still love me, and you know it!

Jessi said...

Ewww. If you can love me through this pregnancy wrought with grammatical errors, then it's a deal!

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying said...

I have had VPL since my asshole surgery in December. I have lost no friends over this. Stay strong.