Oh self esteem, where are you?

SO ... my younger sister got married this weekend.  And in true Katie fashion - she chose a pink dress for her bridesmaids to wear.   Yep.  Pink, one of my least favorite colors.   I have been on a diet (so to speak) since before Thanksgiving.  It hasn't been "easy" but it hasn't been entirely difficult either - don't get me wrong - there were days when I just wanted a big greasy cheeseburger with a heaping helping of french fries - on those days, I compromised - I'd have the burger, sans bun with chips, instead of fries ... still not the best for me, but way better than what I was actually craving - with enough of the same stuff to make sure I had what I 'wanted'.

At any rate, I've lost somewhere between 1 and 2, possibly 3 pants sizes ... while that's fantastic, and I know it's a HUGE (pardon the pun) thing, I can't help but feel like I'm a failure in some respects - before you get all angry at me, let me explain.

I would love nothing more than to have my "pre-Emi" body ... what's more, I would love to have my "pre-19 year old" body.  I know that's unrealistic - in a way - as we get older, our bodies change.  Chemically, physically - well, you get the idea, anyway, I have added physical activity, though not nearly as much as I possibly should - as well as changing the way I eat, when I eat, and more importantly WHAT I eat.    So, that's where I'm at - "a Stalemate" ... so to speak ... I can't seem to lose anymore - or, I can't seem to lose it in the right places ... With all that said ... the reason for this blog ... here goes nothing!

Standing next to 5 others girls in that same pink dress - five girls of varying sizes - I felt uncomfortable, unhappy, not myself.   I'm not the kind of person who gets my hair done, wears make up, or dresses - or more accurately, I'm the kind of person who hardly gets my hair done, wears make up, or dresses.  I felt like a walking pink marshmallow, with make up on.  Every person that I spoke to made sure to tell me how amazing I looked, every person who has commented on my pictures on Facebook has told me how amazing I looked ... however, I didn't feel it.  Still don't feel like it.   Though, I appreciate the words - more than I could ever express, I still don't feel like that person they "saw".  Does that make sense?

At any rate - I'm not going to :stop: this new lifestyle just because the big day is over ... Hopefully, this time next year, I'll be in an even smaller size, and happy, with myself, my body, just ... Happy.  Or, Happier.

At times like this, as a female, it's helpful to have a person (or people, as the case may be) who make you feel beautiful ... like the most beautiful woman in the world ... who make you feel.  I am so lucky to have people like that in my life, namely, my husband, who made it a point to tell me repeatedly that day, and every day since - how gorgeous I was.  Just his smile, the way his eyes lit up when he saw me ... made me feel like I'd reached my goal weight, and size.  

I have this - ring tone - specifically for Mike when he calls me.  It makes me remember why (especially on those really hard to remember occasions {which don't happen often}) we're still together.  So, here it is, I THINK I've posted it before, but ... here is is again, as well as a picture of Emi and I from Sunday.

Smile

Uncle Kracker

You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler than the flip side
Of my pillow, that's right

Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where
You send me, lets me know that it's okay
Yeah, it's okay
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone,
Somehow you come along just like
A flower pokin' through the sidewalk crack
And just like that
You steal away the rain, and just like that

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
'Cause every time that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh, you make me smile
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh, you make me smile

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffej15-Dgl0&feature=fvsr


Thank you Honey.  
For now, and always.
<3<3<3