Thursday, February 18, 2010

Seasonal Depression? Yeah, I have that!

I don't know if you - my faithful  readers - have noticed, but I've been slipping in my blogging lately.  For that - I sincerely apologize.

I began a letter to a very dear friend of mine, at 2am on Tuesday morning.  Finished it around 4, 16 hand written pages later - placed it on my night stand, and got 2 hours of restless sleep.  After getting up and ready for the day, dropping Emily off at "school" and coming in to work, I re-read the letter I scribbled (seriously, it was that bad) to my unsuspecting friend, and promptly shredded it.

I was presumptuous, rambling, whiny and in all honesty, completely out of line.  While it was my way of seeking help.  Advice.  An ear.  Of which I know, I have plenty.  It was unsolicited, and in a way, borderline rude.   I apologize, though she knew nothing of said letter, that it was being written, and would have been sent - had I had an envelope and stamp handy, without any real thought or consideration.  

At any rate, I apologize, and I know, you had no idea.   You should feel honored, though, dear friend, that I thought of you in my hours of desperation, depression, and sadness.  I don't think of many friends when I need help, there are a certain few, a collective group of hearts I know would be there, and you, my dear, are at the top of that list.  We may have been separated by years, miles, but together again we are, and hopefully from here, it'll continue to be as if we'd never been apart.

I have come to the armchair diagnosis of seasonal depression.  I have the 'classic' symptoms - fatigue, being withdrawn, loss of appetite, loss of interest in things, and people ... sleeplessness, restlessness ... I've tried journaling, ignoring, talking (in limited amounts) and reading, and going to bed earlier, I've taken a few extra long hot showers, a bath or two in the last few weeks.  It's helping, but not ... taking away my fears, sadness or depression completely.  

It has taken me 3 days now, to write this ... and I can't seem to get the words out, or whatever - and you know, I doubt this will even help.  But at least I'm trying.


J. Burke said...

*hugs* I'm sure that very dear friend would've understood, and probably feels that they know you well enough that you didn't sound as rude as you believe you did. We all get feel like that from time to time. There's no shame in it. Sometimes we need some encouragement. Or like you say, just an ear. I have two......they're all yours.

Jessi said...

Darling, I totally understand where you're coming from. It sounds like what you did with the letter was more of journaling anyway. Vent all you want. That can be one of the beautiful things about blogging. SO many virtual ears! Share here what you want and the rest... journal. I'm also going to send you an FB message about this...