Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Have you ever ...

If you're a member of any online forum (that isn't a professional online forum) you've probably seen this game being played.

It starts with someone asking a question:
Have You Ever..............ate a sandwich only to discover the cheese you used was moldy?


Have You Ever.............Been so proud of something, you couldn't wait to share the news?

Or something like that.

This is a game I'm familiar with, and have been a part of.  It's also a game that I don't take seriously.  Particularly lately.  There is so much stress, and change, and frustration surrounding me right now, I fear that if I were to take 2 minutes to really think about it, and dig a minute ... into myself ... I'd probably have a minor breakdown.  So I don't allow myself to.  I use this game as a way to take a few minutes away from real life.

However, today, as I was stalking a few things on facebook, I came to the conclusion that there are quite a few things that "I Have Ever".

A few things that - while I don't actually regret - per say - I do wish they had turned out differently.   I wish life didn't show me the "real" .. I wish it had a little longer to be in denial.  Just a little.   Long enough to handle things better.  Long enough to not have to wonder - when all was said and done, if I had made the right choice.  (*disclaimer*  I DID Make the right choice, and I know I did.  I still wish it were a little different)

I wish I had the responsibility to save more, so that we wouldn't be quite so behind in the little things ... I wish I had the forethought to plan ahead when I saw change barreling down on me.  (*disclaimer* we are okay, just tightening belts more now than ever, and there have been further changes at work, that should work in my favor.  sooner rather than later)

I wish I had the answers to the questions Emily asks sometimes ... without the frustration of not having the answers brings me.  I wish I didn't have to be so hard on her, she's just a child.  However, she is a very smart child.  She is a very quick witted child.  I wish I had a minikin more patience. Just a bit more. (*disclaimer* I am working on this.  and we are *both* getting better, actually all three of us.  Slowly)

All that aside.  I have never regretted anything.  Ever.  The way I regret not being able to help my parents out.  I regret not being there now, to help them as they need it.  I regret leaving their office, leaving them behind.  I regret this.   With every fiber of my being.  And there isn't anything I can do about it.  At all.

Have I Ever .................. a simple "game" .. a simple game that makes one think.   Makes one wonder.  Would things be different If "I had ever" .. No.  It wouldn't .. It would end the same way.  No matter what - it would all be the same.

Trolling facebook tonight, I was able to do something I haven't been able to do in nearly 2 years.  I was able to reminisce ... to think back on great times, and not feel the sting.  The pain.  The "what if" .. the "Had I Ever ..." I was able to remember, and smile - and laugh at the good times, the inside jokes .. and honestly wish her well.

I haven't thought of her ... in probably 9 months.  Truly.  It used to be a daily, then weekly, then monthly occurrence.  Now?  9 months, 9 months have passed and I haven't thought about her.  9 Months. And today?  I saw a picture she had posted, and someone tagged my husband in it.  Her wedding.  and 9 months meant nothing.  Except ... it does.  It's growth.  It's acceptance.  It's Life.

I wish her well ... I have never, truly wished her anything else.  Ever.  I truly wish her nothing but everything she deserves, and more.  

Current Facebook Status:
"Reminiscing ... I'm at a point now, where I can look back on times that have passed, and not feel a sting when I remember the people that were there.

Life is different now.  I am different now.  That makes me happy."

So yes, yes I Have Ever.

Have You?

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