Looking back .. a reflection

(This was written in September)

It was absolutely gorgeous outside Saturday.  Yet, there I sat.  Tears streaming down my chubby cheeks, looking back.

You see, I was watching a movie, that I haven't seen in ages - and looking back, now I remember why.  Why I haven't watched this movie.  Why I haven't subjected myself to this ... torture.   Don't mistake what I'm saying. It's a good movie.  It has a great message (as all good movies do)

If you're my age, or .. older .. you remember this movie, and when it came out.  You remember watching it - for the first time, and you remember the feelings you had.  You don't even have to truly look back, you can just remember.

As the mom of a 4 yr old, maybe it's just the mom reaction.  Maybe it's a human reaction.  Maybe I'm just over emotional and dense - either way - I was a wreck.  Imagining myself in place of a character, imagining Emily in place of another.  Torture.  102 minutes of Torture.  (plus commercial breaks of course)

I am talking about the movie "My Girl" - which if you haven't ever seen this movie, might I suggest you take a moment, or 102 of them, and check it out.  It's a good movie, it really is.  I just seem to have an unnatural (or completely natural) response to it as of late.

I am currently on the path to me, whatever the hell that means.  On this path, I have expected to encounter bumps, roadblocks (or pathblocks as the case may be) . twists, turns, and any other path-slowing words you may think of.   To think this journey would be an easy one, is a joke to say the least.  I'm aware of the difficulties facing me.  I am aware of the pain I'll inevitably go through.  I have to be aware.  Otherwise, what is the point?  I'll admit to being caught by surprise a time or two - but for the most part, I'm doing well on this journey of mine.  Not there yet, but well on my way.  As a matter of fact, I started kick boxing again last week - I cannot tell you how much I've looked forward to that day .. How Much I Enjoyed Every Single Pang, Tweak, Twinge, Every Feeling of Accomplishment I Had Last Week.

I plan to go - every week, as I had been before .. and so long as injury and illness don't stand in my way, I will do just that.  People think I'm crazy, or exaggerating, when I explain my love of class.  My love of beating myself up for 60 solid minutes of cardio work out.  "Sure you .. snicker snort snicker .. kick box ...." I don't "look like" a kick boxer.  I don't "act like" a kick boxer (whatever that means) .. but yet, I am a kick boxer.  I enjoy it so very much.

It's my time to be me.  It's my time FOR me.  It's My Time.  One Hour Per Week.  and MAN how I missed it.  Looking back, I'm not sure how I made it this far in life, doing very little that I enjoyed .. just to do it.  I'm a homebody, and now, with Emily - even more so.  I have never been the sort of person to put myself first, and watching that movie ... solidified the fact that no matter what I may have told myself prior?  I was meant to be a mom.   I was meant to have Emily.

I may not be the best at it, and I know I still have a lot - I mean - a LOT - to learn, but I am fairly confident in what I've accomplished thus far in her short life.  

Had I been Mrs. Sennett?  There is no way I would have been able to compose myself the way she did.   

Had I been Vada?  Asking Thomas J to climb trees and asking for his glasses?  Would not have been what I said ... then again, I'm not 11.   and I'm not Vada, nor am I Mrs. Sennett.   

Had that been .. I can't even finish this sentence without tears welling up .. Had that been my child - or a niece or nephew - I don't know how I would have responded.

We all have someone dear to us in Heaven (or your equivalent) ... we all have someone dear to us that we have lost - friends, family, pets - they may be gone from this realm, but they are not forgotten - they are not alone - they are with us every minute, of every day ... and they are with those that had gone before, or after, them.

As I watched "that movie" .. I couldn't help but place myself in those characters shoes ... the parents, the kids, the unimportant mourners .. It made me reflect further on the loss I've personally endured in the last 16 years.  Grandparents, Aunts, Friends, Pets.   It comforts me, a little, to know they are there together, where ever "there" is ... it comforts me some, to know that I am doing the best I can to ensure that what life Emily does have, is happy.  Don't misunderstand, we are all healthy, and happy, it's just a mothers lament.

In July, I almost lost my baby sister ... In August, my mom went in for surgery of her own ... As the holidays approach, and our "time to be thankful" (as people refer it) draws closer, I am struck with the realization - I am human.   I am Mom.   And one little boy on a movie, made me realize even more - I do feel emotions.  Even if I try very hard not to.  I am thankful, grateful, beyond thrilled - to be where I am today, and have who I have in my life.  Sometimes, it takes a moment, a movie, an instant, to remind you what's important.

Now, as I watch Emily learning and discovering new things, I can't help but wonder .. am I doing it right?  IS there a 'right' ... and a 'wrong'?   Am I hurting her in the long run with the choices I am making?  Will she grow up in spite of my short comings, my fears, anxieties .. Will she one day, when she's older, watch this movie and remember me crying over it and understand, finally, why?  What was so powerful in that movie?   The loss of the boy?   the grieving of a child?  of a mother?   The life lessons?   Or will it be the words?  The lines of that movie?  Like this one.

Vada: Mrs. Sennett, don't worry Tomas J will be all right. My mother will take care of him