Whelmed

To start my return to blogging, I offer you a movie quote:

"I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed - but can you ever just be ... whelmed?"

I'm a movie buff, and a concert whore - today, I'm using the movie buff portion.  Bare with me, it's been an incredibly long summer - and I have a feeling, it's only just begun.

I've done my very best to remain positive, and happy ... and any other word or phrase that mean the same.  I've done everything I could, to make it easier, happy and positive for those involved - which happen to be my family.  Taking a note from a fellow blogger (or two, or more) ... I cannot discuss the details of what is happening - to complete extent.  Suffice it to say this is the part where I vaguely tell you all what's going on around here - My gorgeous, brand new, adorably perfect niece Abigail is here.  Her arrival was two days early, and brought complications to my sisters life - and I don't mean the normal mommy of a new baby complications.  Everyone is healthy - now, but it was a long - long - scary - terrifying road, and there are a bunch of bumps, twists and turns ahead for Katie.   I'm asking for you to keep us (and them) in your thoughts and prayers, if that's the sort of thing you do.   Everything, and anything, you could offer us, is appreciated more than I could ever - EVER - express.

On top of that, my mom had a partial elbow replacement in early August - and has been out of work since.  Which means, THIS GIRL, is in charge of all that is happening here at work.  I've been here for 12 years, I know Crazy.  12 Years .. I have moved up from the file clerk, to the receptionist, to the office manager, to .... completely 100% trusted and in charge of the company when the bosses aren't around.  While this is an amazing accomplishment (there are not many high ranking women in our industry) - it's also an amazing amount of stress, and responsibility.  I know more about the inner-workings of this company, and this industry, than I ever though possible to know.  Mom has been coming back, for a few hours, here and there, and helping me as she can from home - but it doesn't ease the stress I'm feeling.  It doesn't ease the fear, and discomfort I'm feeling with all that's going on in my head, heart, and world.

Adding to that?  A demon from my recent past has reared her head, not to me, she doesn't have the guts for that.  nearly 1 year to the day after deleting her from our lives, and almost 5 months from saying goodbye in his own way - this person, this demon from our past, has sent a facebook friend request to my husband.  I have told him, I will stand beside whatever decision you make - whatever you do, I'm here - however, please do not expect me to welcome them back into my life with open arms, an open heart and an empty memory.  I have moved on, and refuse to step back.  Stressful.

We have decided not to send Emily to the preschool we had scouted out.  The price, while well worth the education and experience she would get, is just not feasible for us.  Even with cutting corners, and scrimping - the weekly cost, plus adjustments to our schedules, are not something we can do right now.  However, we HAVE signed her up for her second season of dance classes - which she enjoys, immensely.  While those classes are with a different teacher, at a different time, on a different day (which means - kickboxing is only a possibility, instead of a guarantee) - it's still something she's looking forward to.  And to be honest, we are too.

You and I both know (well all know, hopefully there is still more than one reader out there) that work stresses often carry over to home, and vice versa home stresses carry over to work.  We also know, the people who are dealt the worst hand, are those loved ones you have waiting for you at the end of your work day.  Unfortunately, for me, that's my husband of almost 6 years, and our adorable, nearly perfect 4 year old daughter.  

At the end of every day, I don't recognize myself.

At the start of every day, I don't recognize myself.

My voice, is not my own.  My thoughts, are not my own.  My fears, are not my own.

At least, I hope they're not - because this person?  This is not the person I want to be.  This is not the person I aim to be.  This Is Not Me.

I am at a point, in my life - where I am mostly happy.  Mostly.  I fully believe, no matter how hard you try - you cannot be 100% happy in life.  There are stresses, there are problems, there are issues .. There will always be that 90% of happy, and 10% (at most) of unhappy.  It's guaranteed, but while it IS guaranteed, it's also adjustable.  It's negotiable.  That 10% number, it's a sliding scale.    

It is your job, to lower that number to the best of your ability, and as often as you can.  Living life with 10% or more of unhappiness, means something should change.  Something drastic.  

If there are numerous people in your life that don't like you, the way you act, the behavior you exhibit - they can't all be wrong.  Now I'm not one to shout CHANGE FOR EVERYONE ELSE - I'm usually the one that screams "BE YOURSELF - at ALL COSTS" ... I'm the girl who shouts out "Don't like me?  Don't look.  Don't like it?  Don't Listen."   I've come to rethink those slogans.  All Costs, that seems drastic.  Unrealistic.  Inappropriate even.

This is the point in my life, where I have decided to change - for myself.   We all change, it's inevitable.  People grow apart (that's obvious in my life) - People grow up (that's a little, less, obvious in my life) ... It is my goal, to become the person I thought I was.  Tough one right?   How do you become someone you've convinced yourself you already are?  Only to find, you've never been that person.

I'm a lot of things - what I am not - is a quitter, a liar, dumb, predictable, uncaring, ETC ... I am honest, unpredictable, caring, loyal, smart, loving, and more.  If I am your friend, I am your friend for life - or until you decide, you're done with me - if that ever happened?  I'd carry it with me, until I figured out what went wrong - and where - and only after I've tried to fix it, a thousand times from center.  (that's not to say, I won't decide - I'm Done.  I've Tried, I Cannot Put Anymore Forth.  Because we know, I've been there.)   I will not fail at this goal.  I've set my mind to this, and I will succeed.

Now, just to get on with the path to Me.