it's that time of year again!!

With all my .. issues .. this past year, I have seriously neglected my responsibility with regards to the American Cancer Society Relay for Life coming up in June.

This is the fourth year I'll be participating with my team.

This is also the only time I will post this on my blog (this year)

I am behind in my fundraising, and it is my own fault ... if there is any thing any of my 'readership' out there - can do to help me out, I would be most appreciative.

Even if you want to join my team, and walk with me - that'd rock too!!

Thank you in advance!
Amy
Captain - Team Tigerlilies


http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=11468953&pg=personal&fr_id=39909
(click here to donate, join or buy a luminaria)

The Angels that Clear the Track before the first lap of the Relay

not a sound, barely any light, so moving

The Luminaria that people purchase, decorate, and then we Illuminate

In Memory of those we've lost

or

In Honor of those who are still fighting

Starting Over

Imagine you're comfortable with your life.   Your house is the one you've always dreamed of, you finally have a "toy" of your own, that's reliable.  There is no car payment, and 2 - functioning - vehicles parked in your driveway.  You, your spouse and your off spring are relatively healthy, and happy.  Well adjusted.  Comfortable.

Now.  Imagine losing your job.  The one you've held, and grown in, for the past nearly 12 years.  Gone.  In what seems like an instant, but in reality it has been happening, in slow motion - for approximately one year.  The writing was on the wall, the signs were all there, it was predetermined to happen.

The beginning of March, I was laid off ... permanently.  I was told my parents company of nearly 17 years, was closing.  There was nothing further we could do to save it - we'd tried, and tried, and tried.  And now, we have to stop the bleeding, and begin rebuilding.

It sucks.  It's heartbreaking.  It's demeaning and demoralizing to have to walk into the local Unemployment office, and answer question after question after question - fill out form after form after form - all under the intense scrutiny of the government, because people who have filed before you - have ruined it for the rest.  Everyone is investigated (per say) - everyone is put through the paces.  Everyone has to go through the same demeaning and demoralizing process, just to get a small portion of the pay one was accustomed to receiving.

Now.  Imagine you're my parents.  Watching the business they built from the back bedroom of their old house fail, flounder and finally close.   After 17 years of hard work.  Nearly 35 Employees at the Highest ... Now, down to two ... the first two.  And soon, none.  Just a name will remain.

To say the past month and a half has been tough, would be an understatement.  To say the past year has been hard, would be a lie.   It has been downright impossible to sit here, day after day, and watch & listen to the comings and goings, and not cry.

Now.  Imagine having to start over.

it's not easy.  it's where we are at.

Oh Dear ...

In a rather short time frame, I will be the mother of a kindergartner.

OMG I can't say that out loud, so I whispered it when I typed it - and quickly moved passed the word.  *shudder*

In a week, Emily will turn 5.  In September, she will start "real school".  The thought of this transition, terrifies, and excites me.  At the same time.  And often?  Hits me like a ton of bricks, when I'm least expecting it.

I know she's smart, and bright, and social, and I know she's going to do great.  BUT I also know that she is me, in miniature, and Change?  Is not something we like.  At All.  It will be a great adjustment for her, and an even bigger adjustment for me.   She will no longer be 3 minutes away from my office.  She will be 20 minutes away.  She will no longer be corralled in a cute little at home daycare center, with less than 25 kids.  She will be in an elementary school with Over 450 kids, 100 in her "grade" alone.

The adjustment?  Will be hard.

We're starting to tell her about it now, in preparation .. she will be going to the school at some point soon, to be "tested", in order to be properly placed in class.  I'm terrified for her.  I'm afraid she'll be so scared, she'll forget what she's learned .. she'll make simple mistakes, and she'll be "labeled" ... I don't understand this - testing.  But, on the other hand, I do understand it.  And I don't like it, but then, I don't have to.  But I have to submit to it.  So I will.  And I will cringe, and possibly sweat, break out in hives and be completely paranoid until it's over - and she is "placed".

However, I have to tell you - I sort of feel like I'm being judged here.  As a parent.  Will I be judged for having her skip preschool?  If it were necessary, wouldn't it be mandatory?  She's already learned everything they're teaching there, and retained nearly all of it (I know, 100% Retention would be impossible) ... But in reality, it's not.  So I saw no reason to rip her from where she was comfortable, pay nearly twice what I'm paying for daycare (with school type activities included)

I just refuse to admit my child is growing up, apparently, and rejecting every milestone that comes along - including this one.

To begin dealing with this - I called the school district where she will be attending yesterday .. I figured, I may as well get as much out of the way as physically possible.    So I called.   I was originally directed to the town hall, from there SAU, then from there  they directed my directly to the school.

We now have a registration date, the registration package, and a very excited nearly-5 yr old.

Momma? Not so much.   Momma is beside herself.  Momma doesn't like change.  At All.  Not even pretending, not even a little.  Not even at all.  I Don't Do Change.

Things I can no longer claim

I am six days post surgery.

I am noticing things, small things, about myself that I never really paid attention to before.  Things that I had sworn I'd never do, or notice, that now are front and center reality.

here is a small list of Things I Can No Longer Claim:

1.)  VPL Free Lifestyle.

Let's be real here.  I am not a thin woman, I will never be a "thin" woman.  I will be smaller, my goal is at least one more pants size, possibly two - but I'm being realistic.  I'm way to lazy, and I enjoy food way to much to make sure I exercise *every* day, and to limit the foods I consume.  Seriously, I've been without buffalo chicken salad for 4 1/2 weeks now, and have devoured one today in a time that is way too embarrassing to post about (7 1/2 minutes).  Don't tell me I can't have something - I Will Have It.  Twice.  In a Row.  because I want to.   That all being said, I can only weat certain clothing at the moment, because of these awesome new puncture wounds.  Anything too tight, and they hurt, anything to low, and they hurt, anything to high, and they hurt.  you get what I'm saying?  So last night, I purchased 2 pairs of "work out esque" jersey shorts - Real - it's 80* in March, my shorts are not accessible AND more so they're not the loose fitting kind I need.  today?  I'm realizing if my muumuu of a tshirt wasn't completely covering my ass, I'd be VPLing it like you read about.

  

2.) I will NEVER go to Wal-Mart in my pjs.

Son-Of-A-Bitch.

I have prided myself on never having to be in public in my PJs . Ever.  I have prided myself on the fact that - even when she was itty-bitty-little - Em's PJs in public were kept to an absolute minimum.  Let us revisit what I can comfortably wear for the time being, shall we?  yeah.   In order to purchase earlier mentioned larger work out esque jersey shorts, I needed to go to Wal-Mart (because really? 2 for 20 as opposed to 30+ dollars per pair at Kohl's?  I love me some faded glory) ... yesterday, I was wearing the equivalent of a tent - sorry honey - my husbands thin cotton plaid pajama bottoms, a white tank top and a grey tank top.  They matched - I wasn't completely PeopleofWalmart.com material... but yeah. I was close.  So Close.

3.) I have all my vital organs!!

I had told myself, long ago, that I would do whatever necessary to keep my inside parts - well, inside.  I failed.  At nearly 31 years old, I HAVE FAILED.   Yes, I had my wisdom teeth removed (surgically! FUN!) and my sinus' roto-rootered (even MORE fun) and a C-Section, to remove an 8 lb 10oz, screeching baby girl ... but for the most part, I was intact.  I know, I know - if the doctors can take it out it's not vital -- part of evolution is change (Okay, ALL of evolution is change) ... but really?  if they served no purpose, why do we have them?  OH RIGHT!  so we can eat normally, and live normally, and all together function normally with out the aid of digestive medications and avoiding the best tasting foods on the planet.

4.) I'm not allergic to anything except silver & nickle 

About That.  Through a process I'd rather not explain - it's long winded, and the details are unnecessary.  I have found four FOUR pain medications that would cease my existence should they enter my system.  Oxycodone, Oxycontin, Percocet and Morphine.   Awesome.  I'm sure these 4 are related to others that I'm not allowed to have, should I wish to continue in this world, but those are the four that I'm now - painfully, itch-illy aware of.

5.) I could spend all day on the couch, no problem.

Even when I was 9 months pregnant - I was working.  From home, some days, from the office most others.  I was working. And when I wasn't working, I was busy around the house.  We had just built it, we had just moved in, and there were clearly things needing to be done.   Upon arrival home from the hospital Thursday (thanks to one of those painful, itchy processes that day, I was kept a touch longer than normally necessary) - I laid on the couch, updated my FB and proceeded to doze, every so often - for no more than 30 minutes at a time.  Friday?  Home from work, on the couch, I did not doze, at all All Day Long.  Saturday?  Out - in the stores, buying paint, and supplies to paint the hall and kitchen walls.  They've been white way too long.  Sunday?  Out & then dinner with my parents, at their house.  It was nice, relaxing, I wasn't allowed to do much - but still, exhausting.  This Entire Week? (so far) At Work.  For 8 hours a day, and each day I've gone to a store afterwards, to pick up necessities  (seriously, fat shorts, are my best friends today and tomorrow) ... I cannot sit still.   I'm not allowed to do much (though, this morning I totally did the laundry and the dishes, I couldn't stand it anymore) ... but I have consistently done TOO MUCH, and now, I'm paying for it.  As if that'll change anything.

I Am Not A Couch Potato.

Welcome to My New Reality.

Ain't it a Bitch?

On the other side ...

It would seem as though I've made it through surgery, minus one gallbladder and all of it's inhabitants .. who were unwelcome, uninvited and all around nasty house guests.  I'm not a very good patient, as a matter of fact, I'm probably the worlds WORST patient.

Not because I complain, but the opposite.  In fact .. I don't complain, at all.  not even close.  No one cares that you're in pain, no one can fix it - you just need to - plod through and take your medicine as prescribed.  Oh, about that.  I am now 5 days post surgery, and I have taken ZERO pills today.  That's right, nada.  AND I am at work.   I'm not being stupid - rest assured.  I just don't feel ... pain ... persay.  Now, don't jump to conclusions.  I am completely uncomfortable and I'm wearing the equivalent to a tent because of said discomfort, however, it's not "pain".  I do have some with me, in the event I get sucker punched in any of the four (not really as tiny as they promised, those bastards) incisions in my abdomen - or you know, I just decide enough is enough and want to nap.

That being said ... I am not a lazy person - usually .. and being told I cannot do something, makes me want to do so even more .. as in - I'm contemplating leaving the office - say, now, and heading home to tackle the dishes that had to be left in the sink while the dishwasher ran, or sweep the floors from the dust, pollen and such that the open windows have allowed to take up residence across our flooring, OH!  OR!  put the laundry, that is clean AND folded, away.  you know, all the stuff you need to do, but can't because of bending, lifting, stretching, moving ... living ... and the (not tiny at all) incisions in your abdomen?  Yep.  That stuff.  SO - here at work?  I'm confined to my desk, I can use the bathroom, go up and down the stairs 2 times (up two, down two) in the day, and that's it.  I cannot carry things, lift things, FILE things - NOTHING .. but I'm here because I'm supervised, and I know that my lack of self control when told not to do something can, and will, be kept in check.

I am in the process of planning Emi's birthday party (OMG) and making all sorts of lists of things I need to do - lists that will be lost, misplaced, thrown out, forgotten, rewritten .. etc .. - things I need to get, make, plan, people I need to talk to .. all in the span of 3 short weeks.  I can feel the overwhelmingness of this situation begin to take over.

For now?  I'm going to put my feet up, click on hulu, and relax for a few more hours, before I'm released to get Em, pick up Mike, and head to Wal-Mart - no really, it Needs To Be Done.

It's nice to be on this side of things, I suppose, for a little bit.  Nice to know how needed you are, how depended upon to get certain things done ... I'm over it though, I want to clean ... I need to put things away ... I need to move.   One more week of nothing, and then when the surgeon clears me (for good behavior) ... then I can get back to normal living :)

Besides .. pictures, don't take themselves - and I'm already missing lots of opportunites

Stones, marbles and coconuts

I don't sleep much.  That's not really a shock to those who know me.  It's not that I don't enjoy sleep, or that I don't need sleep - it's just that for some reason - particularly lately, I sleep less and less and less each night.

Call it nerves, anxiety, worry, whatever ... or Insomnia ... whatever it is, it's irritating me and causing the worst lack of sleep induced non-concentration, scatter brained - something (see?) in the world.  I can't finish a thought, a complete sentence, a conversation?  Forget about it.  Remember to pack Emi's dance stuff the night before dance class?  Not so much.  

I've got it .. mostly .. narrowed down, ish .. to what it could be.  Finances?  Nah.  Not Really.  Emily going to school? YES - but no, not this time.   Dog's health?  She's good, they both are - so can't be that .. what else could there be?  OH! I know ... Upcoming Surgery!   Mine!

Calm Down.  (trust me, I'm trying to do just that myself) ... Here's the skinny.

For the better part of 7 Months - off and on for sometimes a few hours, at the most, 3 days - I have been having - this feeling, painful at times, annoying at others.  To put it in simple terms - It felt like I had a bowling ball, in the direct center of my body, just under my rib cage - causing pain, discomfort, insomnia, and at times, difficulty breathing.  

I scheduled my physical back in December, and the only time they could fit me in - was February.  So I waited, and after both appointments, I had a pseudo diagnosis.  We thought I had what is called a Hiatal Hernia ... because based on my symptoms, and the fact that they didn't appear only when I ate certain things, or avoided others - they decided when they wanted to wake me up, and how long to keep me up.

February 25th, was a busy day for us - it was a Saturday, and it was one of the best days we've had in a while.  Busy, but the best.  We had lunch with a great great fantastic wonderful friend - ran some errands, and then had dinner with some other great great fantastic friends.  Busy.  But the Best.

After getting home at nearly 10pm, Emily shuffled off to bed, and I was close behind - of course, this means I went upstairs, got comfy, and read for about 2 hours - then finally fell asleep.  Fast forward to 2am, and welcome back pain, discomfort and insomnia.  Having the diagnosis, and having done all sorts of research, I put my newly discovered information, tips and tricks, to the test ... none of them worked.  None Of Them.  two showers, sitting up straight instead of laying down, walking around, using the bathroom, taking gas-x, and other tums-type medications (under the direction of the doctor, I knew what dosages to use) ... nothing worked.  Mike knew what was going on, and though I tried, very hard, to keep quiet so Em and Mike could sleep longer - I failed.  He woke up.

Around 715ish, I called my mom, after arguing with Mike about going to the ER and getting checked out, fixed, whatever - because we were supposed to be going to a friends surprise 50th birthday party, in Mass - with my mom and dad.  I wanted to find out what time we were meeting, and where .. and coordinate, even though 715 is way to early to call a normal person, it's always okay to call mom.

Together with Mike, she convinced me to head to the nearest ER - because she couldn't really hear me, and knew it was serious enough for me to complain, a little.  Because I don't - usually.  If I don't feel well, I do what I do can to feel better, and move on.   It's not always easy, but - meh.  Who wants to listen?

After having an anxiety attack in the middle of the ER waiting room, FINALLY being checked in - I was given a few medications .. a pain medication, a nausea medication aaaaaaaaand IV delivered Atavan.  I fell asleep for 45 minutes, and was given an ultrasound --- where at least one - rather large - gallstone was found - 1/2 inch in diameter.  The size of a small marble (ish) ... which means, it won't pass on it's own, and it has been trying.  For 7 months (or so) .. it has been bouncing around like a pin ball, trying very hard to get out .. and being rejected, and bounced back - every time.

Plan of attack?  Removal of Gallbladder .. the entire little organ.  Which, I'm sorry - but does in fact serve a purpose.  And damn it, I like my internal organs - where they are .. where they belong.

I met with the surgeon on the 5th, and we outlined what would need to happen, and when ... March 15th - at 12:15pm (ish - I'll know the time for sure, later on today) ... I'll be in the operating room .. having a small vital internal organ removed from my body.  Fun Times.

One night last week - Monday or Tuesday - days seem to be running into the others - I was told to take Oxycodone if I had a "gallbladder attack" and an hour later, try ibuprofen ... SO i took the pain medication, when I had an attack in the middle of dinner ... turns out - that pain medication makes me itchy.  Incredibly Itchy.  So itchy in fact, that I upon waking up the next day, called the doctor with NO Prompting!  Turns out - I'm ALLERGIC!  good to know.  Awesome.

So yeah, I've been freaking out.  Because tomorrow -- is March 15th.   

AND I'm singing "I've got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts ..........." for weeks.

It's only February, and I have Failed.

So by now you're realizing, I suck at life.  Well, okay, maybe not entirely, but pretty close.

I set a goal for myself for this year - to write one blog per week, and before the end of January, failed.

I'd like to say it's because I have a lot going on (and in reality, there is quite a bit going on at the moment) but that would be a big fat I'm a loser lazy ass liar type lie.   And I won't lie to you.   I'm just ... lazy.   Especially lately, the doctors (I had my physical last week, and the week before -- listen, I'm a girl, I have a girlie doctor for a reason, I don't need no GP poking around where they don't belong, thank you. -- and this was discussed, at length, with both) .. the doctors say I'm fine, it's not the SAD (because I'm not feeling the way I usually do, though I am pissed at Mother Nature - we've hardly had ANY snow, and 40* in February, for days at a time, is just frikken wrong.) ... I just need to - get up.   I need to do what I say I'm going to, and follow through.  Not find every reason why I "can't" when in reality, I just - don't want to.

So.  I suck.  In Medical Terms - I just need to "follow through" .. MmmHmmm

What - pray tell - would derail me from this seemingly simple goal?   Anything else in the ENTIRE world.  Seriously.   I haven't written anything, of worth, in a really long time - and that bothers me.  Not enough to get off my lazy rear and fix it, until today, but it bothered me none-the-less.

I am addicted to Hidden Object games on Facebook - I believe I've touched on this before? ... Also -- there are tons of "new episodes" of all my favorite shows, and even some I'm just learning to like - on TV ... I bought a Kindle Fire for myself on Saturday the 11th ... and Mike bought a PS3 (and games I enjoy as well) .. with money we've saved, and a portion of our tax return.    Not to mention, I have a very demanding almost 5 year old ..

And there was that pesky thing with one of my dogs .. For almost a week, we watched, helplessly as our Italian Greyhound Dexy went steadily downhill.  After calling the vet, and being told "I'm sorry, but without payment we can't see her ...." ... we waited, until our veterinarian returned from vacation, instead of the partner in the clinic we got to, who (IMO) cares more about the bottom line, then the health of my dog.

After watching her go through that nasty illness, which turned out to be lyme disease (and we still don't know the underlying reasoning for her vomiting issues.) I haven't felt much like writing.  I hope you can forgive me for that.