Starting Over

Imagine you're comfortable with your life.   Your house is the one you've always dreamed of, you finally have a "toy" of your own, that's reliable.  There is no car payment, and 2 - functioning - vehicles parked in your driveway.  You, your spouse and your off spring are relatively healthy, and happy.  Well adjusted.  Comfortable.

Now.  Imagine losing your job.  The one you've held, and grown in, for the past nearly 12 years.  Gone.  In what seems like an instant, but in reality it has been happening, in slow motion - for approximately one year.  The writing was on the wall, the signs were all there, it was predetermined to happen.

The beginning of March, I was laid off ... permanently.  I was told my parents company of nearly 17 years, was closing.  There was nothing further we could do to save it - we'd tried, and tried, and tried.  And now, we have to stop the bleeding, and begin rebuilding.

It sucks.  It's heartbreaking.  It's demeaning and demoralizing to have to walk into the local Unemployment office, and answer question after question after question - fill out form after form after form - all under the intense scrutiny of the government, because people who have filed before you - have ruined it for the rest.  Everyone is investigated (per say) - everyone is put through the paces.  Everyone has to go through the same demeaning and demoralizing process, just to get a small portion of the pay one was accustomed to receiving.

Now.  Imagine you're my parents.  Watching the business they built from the back bedroom of their old house fail, flounder and finally close.   After 17 years of hard work.  Nearly 35 Employees at the Highest ... Now, down to two ... the first two.  And soon, none.  Just a name will remain.

To say the past month and a half has been tough, would be an understatement.  To say the past year has been hard, would be a lie.   It has been downright impossible to sit here, day after day, and watch & listen to the comings and goings, and not cry.

Now.  Imagine having to start over.

it's not easy.  it's where we are at.

Oh Dear ...

In a rather short time frame, I will be the mother of a kindergartner.

OMG I can't say that out loud, so I whispered it when I typed it - and quickly moved passed the word.  *shudder*

In a week, Emily will turn 5.  In September, she will start "real school".  The thought of this transition, terrifies, and excites me.  At the same time.  And often?  Hits me like a ton of bricks, when I'm least expecting it.

I know she's smart, and bright, and social, and I know she's going to do great.  BUT I also know that she is me, in miniature, and Change?  Is not something we like.  At All.  It will be a great adjustment for her, and an even bigger adjustment for me.   She will no longer be 3 minutes away from my office.  She will be 20 minutes away.  She will no longer be corralled in a cute little at home daycare center, with less than 25 kids.  She will be in an elementary school with Over 450 kids, 100 in her "grade" alone.

The adjustment?  Will be hard.

We're starting to tell her about it now, in preparation .. she will be going to the school at some point soon, to be "tested", in order to be properly placed in class.  I'm terrified for her.  I'm afraid she'll be so scared, she'll forget what she's learned .. she'll make simple mistakes, and she'll be "labeled" ... I don't understand this - testing.  But, on the other hand, I do understand it.  And I don't like it, but then, I don't have to.  But I have to submit to it.  So I will.  And I will cringe, and possibly sweat, break out in hives and be completely paranoid until it's over - and she is "placed".

However, I have to tell you - I sort of feel like I'm being judged here.  As a parent.  Will I be judged for having her skip preschool?  If it were necessary, wouldn't it be mandatory?  She's already learned everything they're teaching there, and retained nearly all of it (I know, 100% Retention would be impossible) ... But in reality, it's not.  So I saw no reason to rip her from where she was comfortable, pay nearly twice what I'm paying for daycare (with school type activities included)

I just refuse to admit my child is growing up, apparently, and rejecting every milestone that comes along - including this one.

To begin dealing with this - I called the school district where she will be attending yesterday .. I figured, I may as well get as much out of the way as physically possible.    So I called.   I was originally directed to the town hall, from there SAU, then from there  they directed my directly to the school.

We now have a registration date, the registration package, and a very excited nearly-5 yr old.

Momma? Not so much.   Momma is beside herself.  Momma doesn't like change.  At All.  Not even pretending, not even a little.  Not even at all.  I Don't Do Change.

Things I can no longer claim

I am six days post surgery.

I am noticing things, small things, about myself that I never really paid attention to before.  Things that I had sworn I'd never do, or notice, that now are front and center reality.

here is a small list of Things I Can No Longer Claim:

1.)  VPL Free Lifestyle.

Let's be real here.  I am not a thin woman, I will never be a "thin" woman.  I will be smaller, my goal is at least one more pants size, possibly two - but I'm being realistic.  I'm way to lazy, and I enjoy food way to much to make sure I exercise *every* day, and to limit the foods I consume.  Seriously, I've been without buffalo chicken salad for 4 1/2 weeks now, and have devoured one today in a time that is way too embarrassing to post about (7 1/2 minutes).  Don't tell me I can't have something - I Will Have It.  Twice.  In a Row.  because I want to.   That all being said, I can only weat certain clothing at the moment, because of these awesome new puncture wounds.  Anything too tight, and they hurt, anything to low, and they hurt, anything to high, and they hurt.  you get what I'm saying?  So last night, I purchased 2 pairs of "work out esque" jersey shorts - Real - it's 80* in March, my shorts are not accessible AND more so they're not the loose fitting kind I need.  today?  I'm realizing if my muumuu of a tshirt wasn't completely covering my ass, I'd be VPLing it like you read about.

  

2.) I will NEVER go to Wal-Mart in my pjs.

Son-Of-A-Bitch.

I have prided myself on never having to be in public in my PJs . Ever.  I have prided myself on the fact that - even when she was itty-bitty-little - Em's PJs in public were kept to an absolute minimum.  Let us revisit what I can comfortably wear for the time being, shall we?  yeah.   In order to purchase earlier mentioned larger work out esque jersey shorts, I needed to go to Wal-Mart (because really? 2 for 20 as opposed to 30+ dollars per pair at Kohl's?  I love me some faded glory) ... yesterday, I was wearing the equivalent of a tent - sorry honey - my husbands thin cotton plaid pajama bottoms, a white tank top and a grey tank top.  They matched - I wasn't completely PeopleofWalmart.com material... but yeah. I was close.  So Close.

3.) I have all my vital organs!!

I had told myself, long ago, that I would do whatever necessary to keep my inside parts - well, inside.  I failed.  At nearly 31 years old, I HAVE FAILED.   Yes, I had my wisdom teeth removed (surgically! FUN!) and my sinus' roto-rootered (even MORE fun) and a C-Section, to remove an 8 lb 10oz, screeching baby girl ... but for the most part, I was intact.  I know, I know - if the doctors can take it out it's not vital -- part of evolution is change (Okay, ALL of evolution is change) ... but really?  if they served no purpose, why do we have them?  OH RIGHT!  so we can eat normally, and live normally, and all together function normally with out the aid of digestive medications and avoiding the best tasting foods on the planet.

4.) I'm not allergic to anything except silver & nickle 

About That.  Through a process I'd rather not explain - it's long winded, and the details are unnecessary.  I have found four FOUR pain medications that would cease my existence should they enter my system.  Oxycodone, Oxycontin, Percocet and Morphine.   Awesome.  I'm sure these 4 are related to others that I'm not allowed to have, should I wish to continue in this world, but those are the four that I'm now - painfully, itch-illy aware of.

5.) I could spend all day on the couch, no problem.

Even when I was 9 months pregnant - I was working.  From home, some days, from the office most others.  I was working. And when I wasn't working, I was busy around the house.  We had just built it, we had just moved in, and there were clearly things needing to be done.   Upon arrival home from the hospital Thursday (thanks to one of those painful, itchy processes that day, I was kept a touch longer than normally necessary) - I laid on the couch, updated my FB and proceeded to doze, every so often - for no more than 30 minutes at a time.  Friday?  Home from work, on the couch, I did not doze, at all All Day Long.  Saturday?  Out - in the stores, buying paint, and supplies to paint the hall and kitchen walls.  They've been white way too long.  Sunday?  Out & then dinner with my parents, at their house.  It was nice, relaxing, I wasn't allowed to do much - but still, exhausting.  This Entire Week? (so far) At Work.  For 8 hours a day, and each day I've gone to a store afterwards, to pick up necessities  (seriously, fat shorts, are my best friends today and tomorrow) ... I cannot sit still.   I'm not allowed to do much (though, this morning I totally did the laundry and the dishes, I couldn't stand it anymore) ... but I have consistently done TOO MUCH, and now, I'm paying for it.  As if that'll change anything.

I Am Not A Couch Potato.

Welcome to My New Reality.

Ain't it a Bitch?

On the other side ...

It would seem as though I've made it through surgery, minus one gallbladder and all of it's inhabitants .. who were unwelcome, uninvited and all around nasty house guests.  I'm not a very good patient, as a matter of fact, I'm probably the worlds WORST patient.

Not because I complain, but the opposite.  In fact .. I don't complain, at all.  not even close.  No one cares that you're in pain, no one can fix it - you just need to - plod through and take your medicine as prescribed.  Oh, about that.  I am now 5 days post surgery, and I have taken ZERO pills today.  That's right, nada.  AND I am at work.   I'm not being stupid - rest assured.  I just don't feel ... pain ... persay.  Now, don't jump to conclusions.  I am completely uncomfortable and I'm wearing the equivalent to a tent because of said discomfort, however, it's not "pain".  I do have some with me, in the event I get sucker punched in any of the four (not really as tiny as they promised, those bastards) incisions in my abdomen - or you know, I just decide enough is enough and want to nap.

That being said ... I am not a lazy person - usually .. and being told I cannot do something, makes me want to do so even more .. as in - I'm contemplating leaving the office - say, now, and heading home to tackle the dishes that had to be left in the sink while the dishwasher ran, or sweep the floors from the dust, pollen and such that the open windows have allowed to take up residence across our flooring, OH!  OR!  put the laundry, that is clean AND folded, away.  you know, all the stuff you need to do, but can't because of bending, lifting, stretching, moving ... living ... and the (not tiny at all) incisions in your abdomen?  Yep.  That stuff.  SO - here at work?  I'm confined to my desk, I can use the bathroom, go up and down the stairs 2 times (up two, down two) in the day, and that's it.  I cannot carry things, lift things, FILE things - NOTHING .. but I'm here because I'm supervised, and I know that my lack of self control when told not to do something can, and will, be kept in check.

I am in the process of planning Emi's birthday party (OMG) and making all sorts of lists of things I need to do - lists that will be lost, misplaced, thrown out, forgotten, rewritten .. etc .. - things I need to get, make, plan, people I need to talk to .. all in the span of 3 short weeks.  I can feel the overwhelmingness of this situation begin to take over.

For now?  I'm going to put my feet up, click on hulu, and relax for a few more hours, before I'm released to get Em, pick up Mike, and head to Wal-Mart - no really, it Needs To Be Done.

It's nice to be on this side of things, I suppose, for a little bit.  Nice to know how needed you are, how depended upon to get certain things done ... I'm over it though, I want to clean ... I need to put things away ... I need to move.   One more week of nothing, and then when the surgeon clears me (for good behavior) ... then I can get back to normal living :)

Besides .. pictures, don't take themselves - and I'm already missing lots of opportunites

Stones, marbles and coconuts

I don't sleep much.  That's not really a shock to those who know me.  It's not that I don't enjoy sleep, or that I don't need sleep - it's just that for some reason - particularly lately, I sleep less and less and less each night.

Call it nerves, anxiety, worry, whatever ... or Insomnia ... whatever it is, it's irritating me and causing the worst lack of sleep induced non-concentration, scatter brained - something (see?) in the world.  I can't finish a thought, a complete sentence, a conversation?  Forget about it.  Remember to pack Emi's dance stuff the night before dance class?  Not so much.  

I've got it .. mostly .. narrowed down, ish .. to what it could be.  Finances?  Nah.  Not Really.  Emily going to school? YES - but no, not this time.   Dog's health?  She's good, they both are - so can't be that .. what else could there be?  OH! I know ... Upcoming Surgery!   Mine!

Calm Down.  (trust me, I'm trying to do just that myself) ... Here's the skinny.

For the better part of 7 Months - off and on for sometimes a few hours, at the most, 3 days - I have been having - this feeling, painful at times, annoying at others.  To put it in simple terms - It felt like I had a bowling ball, in the direct center of my body, just under my rib cage - causing pain, discomfort, insomnia, and at times, difficulty breathing.  

I scheduled my physical back in December, and the only time they could fit me in - was February.  So I waited, and after both appointments, I had a pseudo diagnosis.  We thought I had what is called a Hiatal Hernia ... because based on my symptoms, and the fact that they didn't appear only when I ate certain things, or avoided others - they decided when they wanted to wake me up, and how long to keep me up.

February 25th, was a busy day for us - it was a Saturday, and it was one of the best days we've had in a while.  Busy, but the best.  We had lunch with a great great fantastic wonderful friend - ran some errands, and then had dinner with some other great great fantastic friends.  Busy.  But the Best.

After getting home at nearly 10pm, Emily shuffled off to bed, and I was close behind - of course, this means I went upstairs, got comfy, and read for about 2 hours - then finally fell asleep.  Fast forward to 2am, and welcome back pain, discomfort and insomnia.  Having the diagnosis, and having done all sorts of research, I put my newly discovered information, tips and tricks, to the test ... none of them worked.  None Of Them.  two showers, sitting up straight instead of laying down, walking around, using the bathroom, taking gas-x, and other tums-type medications (under the direction of the doctor, I knew what dosages to use) ... nothing worked.  Mike knew what was going on, and though I tried, very hard, to keep quiet so Em and Mike could sleep longer - I failed.  He woke up.

Around 715ish, I called my mom, after arguing with Mike about going to the ER and getting checked out, fixed, whatever - because we were supposed to be going to a friends surprise 50th birthday party, in Mass - with my mom and dad.  I wanted to find out what time we were meeting, and where .. and coordinate, even though 715 is way to early to call a normal person, it's always okay to call mom.

Together with Mike, she convinced me to head to the nearest ER - because she couldn't really hear me, and knew it was serious enough for me to complain, a little.  Because I don't - usually.  If I don't feel well, I do what I do can to feel better, and move on.   It's not always easy, but - meh.  Who wants to listen?

After having an anxiety attack in the middle of the ER waiting room, FINALLY being checked in - I was given a few medications .. a pain medication, a nausea medication aaaaaaaaand IV delivered Atavan.  I fell asleep for 45 minutes, and was given an ultrasound --- where at least one - rather large - gallstone was found - 1/2 inch in diameter.  The size of a small marble (ish) ... which means, it won't pass on it's own, and it has been trying.  For 7 months (or so) .. it has been bouncing around like a pin ball, trying very hard to get out .. and being rejected, and bounced back - every time.

Plan of attack?  Removal of Gallbladder .. the entire little organ.  Which, I'm sorry - but does in fact serve a purpose.  And damn it, I like my internal organs - where they are .. where they belong.

I met with the surgeon on the 5th, and we outlined what would need to happen, and when ... March 15th - at 12:15pm (ish - I'll know the time for sure, later on today) ... I'll be in the operating room .. having a small vital internal organ removed from my body.  Fun Times.

One night last week - Monday or Tuesday - days seem to be running into the others - I was told to take Oxycodone if I had a "gallbladder attack" and an hour later, try ibuprofen ... SO i took the pain medication, when I had an attack in the middle of dinner ... turns out - that pain medication makes me itchy.  Incredibly Itchy.  So itchy in fact, that I upon waking up the next day, called the doctor with NO Prompting!  Turns out - I'm ALLERGIC!  good to know.  Awesome.

So yeah, I've been freaking out.  Because tomorrow -- is March 15th.   

AND I'm singing "I've got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts ..........." for weeks.

It's only February, and I have Failed.

So by now you're realizing, I suck at life.  Well, okay, maybe not entirely, but pretty close.

I set a goal for myself for this year - to write one blog per week, and before the end of January, failed.

I'd like to say it's because I have a lot going on (and in reality, there is quite a bit going on at the moment) but that would be a big fat I'm a loser lazy ass liar type lie.   And I won't lie to you.   I'm just ... lazy.   Especially lately, the doctors (I had my physical last week, and the week before -- listen, I'm a girl, I have a girlie doctor for a reason, I don't need no GP poking around where they don't belong, thank you. -- and this was discussed, at length, with both) .. the doctors say I'm fine, it's not the SAD (because I'm not feeling the way I usually do, though I am pissed at Mother Nature - we've hardly had ANY snow, and 40* in February, for days at a time, is just frikken wrong.) ... I just need to - get up.   I need to do what I say I'm going to, and follow through.  Not find every reason why I "can't" when in reality, I just - don't want to.

So.  I suck.  In Medical Terms - I just need to "follow through" .. MmmHmmm

What - pray tell - would derail me from this seemingly simple goal?   Anything else in the ENTIRE world.  Seriously.   I haven't written anything, of worth, in a really long time - and that bothers me.  Not enough to get off my lazy rear and fix it, until today, but it bothered me none-the-less.

I am addicted to Hidden Object games on Facebook - I believe I've touched on this before? ... Also -- there are tons of "new episodes" of all my favorite shows, and even some I'm just learning to like - on TV ... I bought a Kindle Fire for myself on Saturday the 11th ... and Mike bought a PS3 (and games I enjoy as well) .. with money we've saved, and a portion of our tax return.    Not to mention, I have a very demanding almost 5 year old ..

And there was that pesky thing with one of my dogs .. For almost a week, we watched, helplessly as our Italian Greyhound Dexy went steadily downhill.  After calling the vet, and being told "I'm sorry, but without payment we can't see her ...." ... we waited, until our veterinarian returned from vacation, instead of the partner in the clinic we got to, who (IMO) cares more about the bottom line, then the health of my dog.

After watching her go through that nasty illness, which turned out to be lyme disease (and we still don't know the underlying reasoning for her vomiting issues.) I haven't felt much like writing.  I hope you can forgive me for that.  

Finish This

Since I can't concentrate enough to get anything meaningful down here .. I'll post another lame ass survey thing ... 

Finish the Sentences

I always smell like... dove cucumber soap and herbal essences shampoo .. or laundry detergent and fabric softener ... or Abbi.

I am never caught without my...  Camera.  Seriously.   If not?  I wouldn't have caught this gorgeous hawk this morning on the way into work.

(granted they're not the greatest, but at 730 in the morning, dodging passing cars in the view finder, with an impatient child in the backseat - at least I captured something.)

My most prized possession is... my little family (of course extended family too but .. you get the gist)

The strangest possession of mine is... Hmm I don't know.  Emi's first curl?  well, sort of - the first clippings from her first hair trim.

The most recent lie I told was... that no one was in the office with me. :)

and I told it to.... I don't know, some chick who couldn't pronounce my dads name properly.

I know I am lying to myself when I tell myself...    you're not fat, you are perfect just as you are.  You don't need kickboxing today, have that apple pie/ice cream/french fries/fried chicken fingers .. a little won't hurt you today.

I am addicted to... Hidden object games on facebook and looking at the hilariously stupid photos that people add words to -- like this:

(you're welcome, I'm still singing it too   --- and seriously, if you didn't laugh, I don't know if we can be friends anymore.  I seriously almost peed myself when I saw that.)

(TRUTH!!)

The last time I got pulled over by the police..  hahaha.  Last June/July .... I was absolutely speeding - nearly 50 in a 35, my younger sister was 8 1/2 months pregnant, my mom had a giant cast on her elbow, and my older sister was sulking in the back seat.  We were on our way to get pedicures ... something we used to do at least once a year ... until life happened.   Kids, Work, Illness.  Damn it.   

The last person I apologized to was..   in a letter to my best friend . . . I'm a horrible pen pal as of late.

I apologized for...   never getting her letter and goodies in the mail.  I misplaced half the letter I wrote, and her letter to respond to .. I seriously suck at everything lately.

Death is...  something I still have a hard time explaining to my daughter.  It's final, but not.  It's sad and devastating and no matter how prepared you think you are - you aren't.  Imagine being 2 and losing your first pet.  Now imagine being almost 5 and still asking for him. 

My life is...  for the most part - amazing.  We have some things to work on, and by we, I mean me, but still .. I really wouldn't change a whole lot (except, I'm starting to play the lottery more.  My parents .. Need a Break)

My best quality is... oy.  I can multitask like a champ.

The last compliment I received was... that no matter the occasion, when something is requested of parents at Em's school - I always go above and beyond, and treat each child as though they were my own.  All the teachers, kids and parents love me, and I am appreciated more than they could possibly tell me.

I am insecure about... HAHAHHAAHHAHAAAAAAAA  The list of things I'm NOT insecure about is shorter ... I don't think there is anything on it!

The greatest physical pain I have ever endured was...  my knee.  definitely last April when I hurt my knee.  It rivaled the C-Section Pain.

The last time I was in a hospital...  as in admitted?  April 2007 for the birth of my minion.  as in visiting?  September 2011 helping my sister with Abbi while she had her pic line placed.

I have a great amount of guilt regarding... not being able to help ... especially when I know they need it

When I am sad, I need... understanding.  Someone to listen, not judge, not give advice, just listen .. and a good hug helps too

When I am embarrassed, I need...  I'm not often embarrassed .. unless Emily says something inappropriate without knowing it's inappropriate (As in asking my bestie if she had a baby in her belly .. after she just told us how she'd lost 23lbs.  *sigh*) .. so nothing really.

The last thing or person that made me laugh was...  the picture I posted above .. and hearing my mom say what it was out loud.   I nearly peed  and I TOTALLY snorted.

One of my most traumatic memories was...  my hospitalization and c-section in April 2007 (sorry Jessi, don't mean to freak you out here) ... I had a panic attack in the middle, and had to be given more medication, I wasn't able to hold Emily for nearly 4 hours after she was born - until I could wiggle my toes.  Then hearing Emily, at just barely 1 day old, being diagnosed with congenital hip dysplasia on her right side and how she'd need a pediatric orthopedic surgeon.   *she is fine now, but it was a harrowing 4 months of brace wearing, x-ray appts, hospital visits for ultrasounds and a trip to Concord for the best pediatric orthopedic surgeon in the state.*

My greatest fear is... failing.   and disappointing my parents.  Man,  That'd be a heartbreaker.

I am most comfortable... in my fat pants, on my couch surrounded by my little family (furries included) a good book, or a good movie, and a great meal.  I know.  Fat Kid Enjoyments.  

I hold a grudge against... no one.

because...  there is nothing worse than holding a grudge.  you waste more time and energy on holding that grudge, and you give that person, or that reason, or whatever, more power than they deserve.  Let it Go.

I regret sleeping with... hahahahaahhaaaaa ... Um ... yeah. No One.  That's what happens when you fall in love with your first I guess.  I know, such a loser - especially since I was the one considered a whore and slut in school, by certain people, and certain parents -- I was the absolute least active of anyone I went to school with.  

It would be a relief right now if...  promises were kept.

The most beautiful thing I have ever seen is...  Emily's face.

People know I'm angry when... I either get really quiet, or I finally let go of whatever has built up in silence.

The last time I prayed was...  20 minutes ago.

My deepest need is...  for my parents to get some relief.

People fear death because...  they don't know.   It's the unknown, and uncertainty that people fear.

The bravest thing I've ever done was..   Say yes, and then .. become a mom

I worry most about...  Emily.  If I'm teaching her right, caring for her right, being the best mom I can be .. even though I lose my temper and I am probably a little harder on her than I should be, I try.

My heart breaks when...  I can't fix it.

I would be willing to die for... My family. 

The last time I threw up was... Friday - February 3rd.  Thank you migraine!

My worst habit is... biting my nails!  Oh and twisting/twirling my hair into knots and stuff .. Ugh bad!

My best habit is...  Huh.  Hmmm.  No Idea

I enjoy reading... EVERYTHING.  Currently finishing our book club pick for March (the Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society) and looking for a new book to choose for April.  

I realized I was an adult when...  the test said "Pregnant"

I truly felt love when I was/am with...  AM with .. Mike & Em.   No matter the arguments, fights, stress, hard times .. 

When my conscious tells me something...  Conscious?   Don't you mean Conscience??   And sometimes .. I listen, mostly if I don't - I regret it.  but I try!

The music I am all about right now is... Ingrid Michaelson, Jack Johnson, Colbie Caillat, Jason Mraz ... 

Music is...  a release.

I am naturally talented at...   I have no idea.  I'd like to say photography, and writing, but .. that'd be egotistical of me.

Funerals...  make me cry uncontrollably.  Every.Time.

In social situations, I...  either shy away from people, or dominate attention .. I can't help it, I'm a spotlight whore sometimes

People would describe me as...  a pitbull ... no seriously.  I've heard it said .. in my office, at my job, I am the office pitbull ... you don't get passed my desk, unless I Say You Can.  Otherwise - the short, fat, bitchy one I'm sure ;)